To feel normal again...
.
What is normal?
I’m not sure I really know anymore.
Since the doctor upped the amitriptyline to 25mg instead of 10 a fortnight ago, I’ve not had one of those out-of-the-blue, crushing mood drops I’ve written about before (see Bollocks and Light at the end of the tunnel or just spots before my eyes?), but that’s not to say I feel like skipping down the street, smiling at strangers and handing out flowers to anyone who smiles back either. There’s still a feeling of fragility and a concern that a mood drop could be lurking just around the corner.
But, and here’s the rub, even if the mood drops were a chemical imbalance which are now being counteracted by the anti-depressants, it still doesn’t change the tiredness and low energy and all the other problems life likes to throw at you.
Even if I was “normal” I could still be depressed. It’s perfectly normal to worry about the state of your life and all the things going wrong. The difference is that if I were truly “normal” again, I would then set about changing my life to deal with the crap. Only because of the fatigue I don’t have the energy to do that.
So, if I’m feeling low, is it because the anti-depressants aren’t working, or is it that they are working, but I’m feeling helpless and yucky anyway?
2 months 'til I see the specialist
...and counting.
.
What is normal?
I’m not sure I really know anymore.
Since the doctor upped the amitriptyline to 25mg instead of 10 a fortnight ago, I’ve not had one of those out-of-the-blue, crushing mood drops I’ve written about before (see Bollocks and Light at the end of the tunnel or just spots before my eyes?), but that’s not to say I feel like skipping down the street, smiling at strangers and handing out flowers to anyone who smiles back either. There’s still a feeling of fragility and a concern that a mood drop could be lurking just around the corner.
But, and here’s the rub, even if the mood drops were a chemical imbalance which are now being counteracted by the anti-depressants, it still doesn’t change the tiredness and low energy and all the other problems life likes to throw at you.
Even if I was “normal” I could still be depressed. It’s perfectly normal to worry about the state of your life and all the things going wrong. The difference is that if I were truly “normal” again, I would then set about changing my life to deal with the crap. Only because of the fatigue I don’t have the energy to do that.
So, if I’m feeling low, is it because the anti-depressants aren’t working, or is it that they are working, but I’m feeling helpless and yucky anyway?
2 months 'til I see the specialist
...and counting.
.
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