The blog of photographer and musician, Kim Ayres

Bollocks

Either the last B12 injection was a dud, or whatever’s wrong with me has taken a turn for the worse.

Not only have the bouts of tiredness not lifted to the extent they usually do in the first month following the injection (I have a jab every three months), but several times recently it’s like I’ve been hit in the chest with a bucket load of grief and sadness and despair. And it hurts.

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

It can last from a few hours to a few days and leaves me feeling fragile for quite some time afterwards.

There’s a great gaping hole in my chest, which needs to be filled. If I was an alcoholic it would be with alcohol, but my drug of choice was always food. I’ve been controlling that form of self-medication for a while now and know that if I give in, the 100lbs I’ve lost over the past 2 years will pile back on within a matter of months.

Scary as that is, what is even scarier is that I have no idea how much longer I’m going to have to endure this. I’m seeing the doctor again next week, but everything seems to be moving at a painfully slow pace and I don’t know that we’re really much further forward that we were a year ago, when Maggie first pointed out that the levels of tiredness I was experiencing weren’t normal.

I’m in no doubt that the B12 deficiency is a symptom of something else, as are the bouts of depression, but I have no idea what. This isn’t depression like I’ve had in the past, which has been attached to deeper psychological issues. I can be sitting there, minding my own business when wallop, out of the blue I could weep with the pain and hollowness. It doesn’t appear to be attached to anything. It’s not that my life is bad, or I’ve recently lost a loved one - I’ve been there; I know what that’s like and I know there’s a difference with this. This is something physically wrong which is affecting my emotions and mental state, not the other way round.

But unless or until the cause can be found, I will have to keep experiencing these crippling bouts of bleak despair and I don’t know how much of it I can take.

In the end I will have to take whatever I will have to take for the sake of Maggie and the children, but with the physical tiredness too it is so draining.

32 comments

Jeff said...

Kim

Hang in there brother... Have they checked you out for Epstien Barr? Ask the doc about it....Was diagnosed with that when I was 18 and the sympotoms are somewhat similiar and usually only kick in when I have worn myself down.

Anyway, keep us posted and I will be trying to shoot some energy and positive vibes your way...

Peace

Rhonda said...

I know this is unsolicited, but your symptoms mimic mine prior to discovering I had a thyroid disorder, so I'm wondering if they've checked that.

I really hope you get the answer you need.

Sayre said...

I know you live in Scotland - and most of my paternal relatives are in Wales and England. ALL of them appear to suffer from SAD - which is treated with a special light box. I'm not sure how this is diagnosed, but it might be worth looking into...

I hope you feel better SOON!

Zazzy said...

I call that falling down the rabbit hole. It is not the same as uh...regular depression. It isn't the blues. I can usually find a trigger of sorts but it isn't something that merits the aboslute black despair of the bottom of the rabbit hole. I'm inclined to believe that it's chemically based rather than psychologically or emotionally based.

I haven't found any easy answers. The best I can do it to know that it will pass. From a couple days to a couple weeks, I will get through it. The sun is still out there.

Hugs to you.

TheAmpuT said...

...and I call it the Swiss Cheese Feeling. The one where the wind just blows right through me. Mine usually pass faster when I embrace them, rather than struggle against them. I figure life is full of hills and valleys, and there is plenty of "value in the valley".
Sending some light your way...

restaurant gal said...

How fast can you bypass the medical system where you are to get a thorough look at your health? If it isn't fast enough, let me know how I can help on this side of the pond--seriously.

Fat Lazy Guy said...

Ah mate. I'm really sorry to hear about this man. I wish I had an answer for you. The only thing I know about B12 deficiency is what I've seen on House, and that was a tape worm. So, I don't know.

I just hope that whatever it is, it gets sorted.

Peace

Brave Astronaut said...

I'm with RG. Please be well, and let us know what we can do. I will continue to send good thoughts your way.

From the comments I read, it seems that you have a lot of people out here pulling for you and we will all be here to get you through this.

And as you say, your family is right next to you and they are the most important.

Kanani said...

Hey Kim...
The tiredness is depression. And I don't know... the only thing that I can compare this with is a swing in hormones --a la...the start of my own menopause.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Have you dropped a line over to Matty's blog? Not sure if there's a connection to the weight loss, metabolism and body chemistry changes but since he works with this, you might want to check with him.
xx

Mine is a Gin said...

I'm really sorry to hear you're not feeling well. Hang on in there and take good care of yourself. x

quinn said...

Hey there kim,

I have no idea what is happening with you my friend, but the biggest thing is that you can see there is something and sometimes that alone is the hardest part for people to realize.

I think you need to really listen to your body and gather as much information as you can to describe all of what you are going through to your family doctor.

Take the time for you, YOU are worth it. I hope they can pin point what is causing all these feelings for you and help you to feel better really soon.

In the meantime, ((hugs)) for you and maybe it is time for another ride on that bike like you did last year to help you in the meantime.

BStrong said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BStrong said...

Kim,

Hang in there buddy. There is not a chance in hell that I'm going to tell you what the problem is, and try and give you a remedy. I know my limits. I think I failed the class that discussed human emotions and the psychology that goes with it.

All I know is that your wife has a shoulder to lean on to get you through until your next Doctors appointment.

Just do me this favor, if you have the urge to get naked and run though the streets of Castle Douglas screaming spank me, take a 10 second time out.............then grab your video camera:)

I hope that put a little smile on your face.

ADW said...

Oh no, don't be sad. I can't help, I can't even say anything that would even remotely assist you since I am not a doctor and I don't know what you are experiencing, but I will say that you have my thoughts and please let us all know what is going on.

You are very lucky, thought, that you have a supportive family who love you very much (=

savannah said...

*hugs&positive vibes* you're a good man and a damn fine pirate ayres, sir! ahng in there, you have a supposrt system that extends far beyound the physical, you have all of us!

someone mentioned earlier about keeping track of everything you're geeling and listening to your body - wise advice! the information can help your doctor(s) in sorting this all out. (i know from personal experience)

take care, friend, i'm sending good thoughts your way!

C in DC said...

Hang in there! May you and your physicians find the cause of what's ailing you soonest.

Kim Ayres said...

Thank you all for your kind words of support and postive thoughts.

This has been happening on and off for quite some time. Every now and then it bursts out onto the blog, but sooner or later I'll find a way of dealing with it.

Unfortunately there are so many potential causes for depressive bouts that it could be a while before any final conclusions are reached.

C in DC - welcome to my ramblings and thank you for taking the time to comment

julie said...

Kim,

My father's also on an anti-depressant even though he's not an unhappy kind of guy. He's had MS for about 35 years, and the anti-depressants have lifted his mood as well as his body aches and pains. Might be worth a try to have a "little helper" while they figure out what's going on.

And, like Fat Lazy Guy, the only reason I know of is from "House" as well. That patient couldn't feel pain, but they insinuated that it would be extremely painful if that were the case.

I hope that things are figured out and remedied soon.

Julie

Mary Witzl said...

Kim, do consider having your thyroid tested, as Rhonda has suggested. Chronic depression is one of the signs of hypothyroidism, and it is often overlooked. To find out if you have this, all you need is a simple blood test.

In the meantime, I would suggest a small amount of high-quality dark chocolate, slowly consumed, (always works for me), and the love of your family. You're doing all the right things, and you know from this blog that you're not alone!

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I'm sorry to read it, Kim. There are some good suggestions here though. The only thing I have to suggest is going for walks early in the morning. It peps you up and gets your metabolism going for the day. Exercise has positive effects on mood too. It's worth waking up half an hour earlier for - it really is. And you live in such a beautiful part of the country. Do you take a daily vitamin?

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

With any luck your doctor will find out what it is soon.

Jen said...

Kim, I hate to hear this. I hope you can find the answers and help you need soon.

Carole said...

I have no words. Just sitting beside you in spirit listening.

Kari said...

I hope you feel better. Tired and depressed and B12 shots are all things I have experienced. No fun!
I also wantd to thank you for your kind comment on my blog a while back. It meant alot to me. :)

SafeTinspector said...

That sounds horrible. :(
I hope they figure out what is going on.

Eryl Shields said...

I can't think of anything to say to this except 'fuck'. Saying poor you sounds patronizing somehow and I don't know of any superfoods that might help you.

So fuck it is and fingers crossed that the medical profession can sort it for you.

Pendullum said...

So, Kim, I am a wee bit late...
What has the doctor said?
Has the mood changed?
Has the energy returned?
I think your first comment from Jeff could be on to something there...

Jupiter's Girl said...

And you offer me such sweet, wise advice when I am feeling flat??? I wish you the best, Kimayres. Your writing brings joy to me and others. Even telling of your dark moments is sort-of uplifting. Sorry for your troubles, though.

I would be all for fuck-it-and-get-a-pill, and maybe I am for it if it gives relief. I still have fears about them after the experiences I have witnessed of others taking that route. It's a slippery slope from what I've witnessed. One pill for this, and another for the symptoms that one causes. Then you need more and more of any of them to be effective after getting too used to them, or to change them altogether because they stop working. And then those have to be adjusted to. What a process it is to find equilibrium!

Aside from that, I hear good things about Wellbutrin (sp?). It's supposed to be non-narcotic and non-addictive. Ask your doctor about it.

Meanwhile, a little Reiki wouldn't hurt. I'll get right on it.

Kim Ayres said...

Thank you, all of you, for the continued support.

I've been feeling pretty ok for the last couple of days, but there's a slight underlying worry that I don't know when the next bout could pounce.

I feel a bit like Calvin when he knows Hobbes is waiting to get him, but he doesn't know exactly where or when.

I think Eryl sums it up the most eloquently (see above).

I don't expect anyone to come up with any solutions, although I understand the need to try.

The reality is there are so many possible causes that it will take time to uncover the main one(s).

I truly appreciate the concern of everyone who has commented, thought about commenting, and/or emailed me privately.

I'll be fine - I just needed to vent.

fatmammycat said...

Sorry to hear you're feeling a bit under the weather old boy, hope you're back to your normal kick ass self sooner rather than later.

Anonymous said...

try bach flower remedies,they proved helpfull for me recently.

Don Q. said...

Kim,

I suffered from depression for a number of years. Took medication for it for about 10 years and have only recently been able to get off it. I hope you find your way out from under it (whatever the cause) because it is a sucky place to be.

Lord Chubalot

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