Naked choice

I’ve never been a fashionista. If clothes more or less fit and have pockets where it’s useful to have them, then that’s tended to be good enough for me.

I’m not bothered about the latest designs or colour schemes, and I have no idea whether I look better in blue or brown. Given a preference I will probably choose black because it is less likely to clash with anything.

Periodically clothes will wear out, become too large or too small depending on weight changes, or just get so stained it begins to get a bit embarrassing, so I have to traipse wearily around high street shops that were never designed for me.

Whether it's shirts or trousers or jackets or an extra layer to keep me warm, each time I discover it’s impossible to find anything I might feel remotely comfortable in. Do plain, heavy cotton shirts without logos on them actually exist any more, or are they just too unfashionable to contemplate making?

A depressing trawl round Dumfries today revealed I have 2 options only. I can either go for the Metrosexual or Retired Pensioner look: clothes for slightly effeminate 20-somethings, or attire my septuagenarian father is comfortable in. Understated practical clothing for a bearded 40-something is unavailable.

I suppose I could mix and match and end up looking like a gay granddad, but somehow it doesn’t appeal...