The blog of photographer Kim Ayres

A letter from the BBC

I received a letter today from the BBC – sent first class, no less.

I got all excited.

A few weeks ago I entered their BBC7 New Talent Search (see Funniest Post), which required submitting an outline for a radio show and up to 5 minutes of me being hilarious in mp3 format. I only discovered this a few days before the deadline and didn’t have time to create something new but figured I had nothing to lose by stringing together a few blog entries.

The talent search was titled “Witty and Twisted” so I figured that they were probably looking for something a bit more bizarre and surreal than my style, but if you don’t try then you certainly can’t succeed. I wasn't going to get my hopes up though.

It said on the site that those in whom they were interested would be invited to various workshops around the country, from which they would then choose the best to turn into short radio shows. If I hadn’t heard anything by the end of the month then I should assume I hadn’t made it through to the next round.

So when I received the letter this morning, I couldn’t help but get my hopes up. Visions of being lauded as the next Ricky Gervais instantly sprang to mind and I was immediately composing my BAFTA acceptance speech as I tore the envelope open.

The letter read:

Dear Kim, (you can’t help but feel that it’s a good start when they get your name right)

Thank you for taking the time and effort to enter Witty & Twisted – the recent new comedy talent search (yeah, yeah, where and when do you want me to turn up for the next stage).

We received over 600 entries and the standard has been very high. (Hey, I’ve really seen off some competition then!)

We are sorry to say that on this occasion your submission has been unsuccessful.
I can’t make out the rest of the letter as the ink ran after my floods of tears, before it was scrunched up, torn into several pieces and set fire to, but I think it went on to say that it wished me all the best with my future comedy endeavours.

However, I did promise that I would post my submission once I knew whether I’d been invited to the next stage or not, so here it is.

Feel free to tell me how fantastic it is and that the people who didn’t shortlist me must have been out of their minds, and that young comedy executives these days wouldn’t know something funny if it turned into a pilchard and stuck its tongue up their nose.


Anonymous said...

Hi Kim!

You know, it makes me laugh to think that while these people are trying to find NEW creative talent, they send out the same standard letter that everyone else sends!!! Talk about originality and creativity!!!

I received tons of them last year, when I was applying for media work. I really hate that line: 'Due to the high standard of candidates...' Yeah, right! They don't even know me. But, I know people in the industry and they are no more or less brilliant than you and I. Nepotism, networking and having mates in the right places is what it really is all about.

As for the wonderful Ricky Gervais, he was working at a TV company, did a spoof video of the office he worked, and someone saw it. History was made...

Keep fighting, bearded one.

Dr Maroon said...

Well, I laughed. Sorry.
Did you send them an outline for something as well?
A sitcom, a sketch show, a pastiche, a humerous look at the ratlike nature of the human race, oh what a lovely war, a funny quiz show [the British love quizes].
I have it in my mind that they wanted outlines as well as five minutes of wacky wackiness.
Are you holding out on us?
I haven't had a rejection letter yet.
You jammy jammy bastard. You think you're lord god almighty you do.
You should scan the bastard letter and post it. Might be funny. Keep your pencil sharp but your enemies closer.

"Noone enjoys your failure better then your friends"
Francis Bacon.

Anonymous said...

I hate to say this, but I was short listed to be a programme developer for Thames Television, last year. Got to the next interview and had a chinwag with the producer of The X Factor (and was made to feel like one of those fools auditioning for that show). Alas, the next stage was not to be, even though I had to sign over all my programme ideas to them!!!

Now, I laugh....yes, laugh....when I hear that viewing figures for ITV have been sinking! They should have tried looking out of the box for a novel change. It is tough when non-creatives in a creative position are required to employ real creatives! They sense for the creative!

Kim Ayres said...

Branden - Considering how many contacts you have in the media industry (not to mention all these ambassadors you've been chatting up lately), if you can't get anywhere it doesn't hold out much hope for the rest of us. I was hoping for you to become phenomenally successful then give me a hand up.

Dr Maroon - I hadn't considered rejection letters as a status symbol, but perhaps what we should be doing is seeing who can collect the most...

We could start a new communal blog called "Bitter Bastards"

Anonymous said...

I haven't given up yet, Kim!!! There is always something brewing. If there is nothing brewing then we our all lost. Brewing is what keeps us pulsating with hope. Keep the brew steady and ready, Kim, and even throw in a bit of cinnamon for extra spice.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and we are always 'somewhere', Kim. I may not be a major league figure in the world of media, but I am more comfortable in the options and choices that are available to me than some of my friends in poorer countries. I really have nothing to complain about....BUT, I do!!!

BStrong said...

Just a minor set back Kim. I listened to the file and it was pretty funny. Just imagine what you could have done if you had a few more days to work on it. Sending the letter to inform you of your misfortune when they essentially said that if you hear from them that you would be moving on to the next round was pretty cruel. They set you up, those bastards.
Kind of reminds me of a time in college when a few of my friends bought a bogus scratch instant lottery ticket for a classmate of mine. The prize, $100,000. After he realized he had won the money and was basking in his glory for all of about 15 minutes my friend Paul asked him if he read the fine print on the back. You saw his excitement just drain.
It was probably one of the cruelest things I have ever witnessed.

Good luck next time.

fatmammycat said...

Oh bad luck Kim, but not to worry, keep sending things out. Are you working on anything else at the moment? What's happening with your book?

Kim Ayres said...

El-Brandon - mmmm... cinnamon... mmmm...

BStrong - If I'd have had a few more days, I'd have probably just procrastinated more...

And the lottery ticket - well that really was cruel

Fatmammycat - *cough* - have you noticed how frosty it's been getting in the mornings these days?

Anonymous said...

The Fools! Talent, I say! Real talent!

Kim Ayres said...

Thank you Oddmix - that's exactly what I wanted to hear

Jupiter's Girl said...

I have tried several times to see or hear what you strung together, but get logged off your blog when I do. No matter, I read all of the choices you presented and even though I enjoyed them, I think you were funniest reporting your rejection letter.

They probably chose something very vulgar and full of profanities. That would be interesting to see what rose to the top of the competition.

Good for you for trying anyway. I am too defeatist to compete at anything.

Kim Ayres said...

If you're on broadband, let me know and I'll email it to you

Jupiter's Girl said...

How would I know if I am on broadband? I thought having DSL would take care of every glitch I ever had.

Please try to e-mail it anyway. Thanks for that, and keep up the good work, Kim.

Kim Ayres said...

Sorry - it must be one of those language differences again - DSL is broadband. I just wanted to make sure you weren't on dial-up before sending you a 4MB file :)

Stella said...

Aaw Kim, they just don't know what a genius they have let slip through their fingers.

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