It’s not everyday, as a middle-aged fat bloke with a beard, that I get the offer of a blowjob from a complete stranger. In fact, yesterday was my first.
After dropping my son off with his older brother, I was heading to a meeting when I saw a hitchhiker. I used to hitchhike a lot when I was younger and although I won’t pick up strangers if I have a family member in the car, when I’m on my own I feel a certain obligation to help out people who are travelling by thumb power. It was the warmest day of the year so far, so I didn’t think anything of the fact that he was stripped to the waist, and the fact that he was wearing a kind of party cowboy hat made me think that he was probably on a return journey from Scotland’s major music festival “T in the Park” which was staged at the weekend less than twenty miles from where I was. So thinking that this could be my good deed for the day I pulled over.
“Where are you heading?” I asked as he climbed in.
“Glasgow” he replied. That was fine: although I wasn’t heading down to that city I could certainly give him a lift about five miles further along the road before I needed to head in a different direction. “I’ve been at T in the Park. Were you there?” he asked.
“No,” I said, feeling slightly smug that my powers of observation had been proved right, “but I can give you a lift to the edge of Stirling, then I’m heading north.” I thought I’d better let him know that this wouldn’t be his last lift of the day.
He launched into why he was hitching. “I was getting the bus back. I got off in Alva to go for a piss and when I came back the bus had gone. Bastard. He’d already taken my ticket. I tried getting the next bus that came along but he wouldn’t let me on without a ticket.” It was now that I noticed he had a can of Carling Black Label in his hand. That explains his lack of foresight, I thought, the guy’s pissed.
“Then I got chucked out of the toilets,” he continued, “because this woman complained that I shouldn’t be naked. I was having a wash and the stupid cow could see me at a slight angle through the door and started yelling at me. She was an ugly bitch, but I’d have given her one if she’d wanted.”
Bizarre conversation, I thought. “Ah well,” I said, thinking I should put a positive spin on things, “at least it makes a good story. ‘I went to T in the Park and came home again’ isn’t much of a tale to tell your pals, but losing the bus and getting kicked out of public toilet makes a better yarn.”
He took a swig from his can. “I wasn’t sure how easy it would be to get a lift. Do you think the pink hat will put people off?”
Actually the can of beer is more likely to, was my reaction, but I didn’t say anything. It’s not usually a good idea to get between a drunk and his drink. Certainly I wouldn’t have pulled over if I’d noticed the can as I drove past. I hadn’t particularly noticed that his cowboy hat was pink, but now that he drew attention to it I joked, “I suppose it all depends on what kind of lift you’re trying to get!”
Just as I was beginning to think of the implications of what I’d just said, considering I had just picked him up in his pink cowboy hat, he matter-of-factly asked “Are you gay?”
“No,” I replied. I was going to say that I was a happily married man but it occurred to me that this additional information didn’t necessarily mean anything.
But before I could decide whether I needed to expand on my answer, he came out with, “Because I’d have given you a blowjob for the lift.”
Well, what does one say in this kind of situation? Each to their own, and I didn’t feel threatened but all I could blurt out with was “I appreciate the offer, but no thanks.”
For the last mile of the journey he started telling me of another music festival he was off to in a week or two, but I wasn’t really listening. My mind was whizzing around wondering whether I’d just come across as being laid back or completely stupid. I dropped him off at the roundabout, wished him well for the rest of his journey and continued with mine.
It’s not everyday, as a middle-aged fat bloke with a beard, that I get the offer of a blowjob from a complete stranger. I wonder if yesterday will be my last.