The Jekyll & Hyde transformation of being an award finalist

In the days, and even hours running up to the Dumfries & Galloway Life Awards 2017, I knew I wasn't going to win the visual artist/maker category. And I was genuinely fine with that. Afterwards, I also knew I was never likely to have won. And I was genuinely fine with that too.

But in the 30 minutes or so before the winner was announced, a desperate, highly competitive side to me was shouting in my head that this award absolutely and completely DESERVED to be mine.

The Dumfries & Galloway Life Awards celebrate the business, culture and, above all, the people who live in this corner of Scotland.

The fact that some people had taken the time to fill in a form and put my name forward with an explanation of why they felt I should be awarded – and then for the judges to select me as a finalist – felt wonderful, and was certainly reward enough. I didn't feel the need to win anything beyond that.

My fellow finalists were artist, Julie Dumbarton, and potters, Fitch & McAndrew. Highly talented and internationally recognised, these people help spread the value of Dumfries and Galloway well beyond its borders.



So while it was a delight to be included in their company, I knew I wouldn't really be in the running for the top prize. But that was OK. I would still get a free dinner at the awards night and see plenty of people I know.

I donned my least faded black jeans and my least crumpled shirt for the evening. Dinner was good. I found myself seated on the same table as Doug Fitch of Fitch & McAndrew. I've met him a few times and we've always got on well. In fact, the previous evening I'd even met him in the local supermarket and we'd discussed the upcoming awards. 10 minutes later I'd met him again when he asked if he could borrow my phone as his car wouldn't start and the battery on his phone was dead. I was only too happy to be able to help out.

My money was on Fitch & McAndrew. Julie had won it in 2013 and 2014, so I figured they'd give it to the potters this time.

As the desserts were cleared off the table, and the awards began, I started to wonder whether I might actually be in with a chance after all. And as they went through the different categories, slowly moving towards the visual artist/maker award, my heart rate started increasing, and I began seeing myself walking up to the stage to collect MY award. This feeling grew stronger and stronger as the minutes passed until by the time the category before us was announced, I was totally convinced I was going to win. I KNEW it to the core of my being. In fact I completely and utterly deserved this award. It was MINE.

My precious...

Another part of my brain was watching this reaction and laughing at the ridiculousness of it. But some deeper, competitive, primal part of me was still experiencing these feelings to quite an intense degree.

Just as I was about to leap up and claim my rightful trophy, they announced Julie Dumbarton was the winner.

For a brief moment I was dumbstruck by this hideous travesty of justice and was about to demand an investigation into the obvious corruption of the judges.

And then the moment passed. Of course Julie was going to win. The same reasons she's already won twice before still existed, and the judgements were based on merit, not past history.

Like looking in the box at Schrödinger's Cat - once the outcome has been witnessed, it has always been thus. All I could do was feel a bit foolish for having thought it could have ever been any other way.

I applauded Julie, now genuinely pleased for her. But I felt a bit disappointed for Doug.

I leaned over and whispered into his ear.

"Let's go and find Julie's car and let her tyres down..."