The blog of photographer and musician, Kim Ayres

The Pillow Inspectors

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Premise for a new Channel 4 TV series - The Pillow Inspectors*

Each week a stern, firm-but-fair, schoolmarm-ish, middle-aged female osteopath and microzoologist visits normal, everyday people who suffer from sleep problems.

The victims/suffers will have their pillows examined, which will be found to be unsuitable in aiding a decent night’s sleep. These pillows will be stained, squashed, the wrong thickness, too many, too few, made of the wrong material and have a large percentage of their volume comprising of dust mites and other unsavoury creatures, which will be blown up to horrific proportions by the microscope-come-pillowcam designed especially for the series.

The voice-over will be snooty, gossipy and condescending.

In the first half of the programme, the victims/suffers will be made to feel useless, inferior, unclean and a blemish on human society. Those with children and/or partners will be labelled as unfit parents and wives (with the exception of the obligatory stay-at-home-husband and at least one gay couple each series).

During the second part of the programme they will be scanned by a state of the art 3D imaging machine and, using computer software designed by the slumber industry, will have pillows designed that precisely fit their body, head and neck shapes while being composed of dust mite resistant, hypoallergenic material created by NASA.

Along with a lecture about how often to change their pillowcases, the appropriate ambient temperature of the room and general hygienic behaviour, the lives of the victims/suffers will be transformed before the final credits. They will be excitedly talking of restful sleeps, more energy throughout the day, potential promotions at work and a huge improvement in their sex lives.

The stern, firm-but-fair, schoolmarm-ish, middle-aged female osteopath and microzoologist who was initially so harsh, can now be seen as a warm and friendly saviour who had only been dishing out tough love in order to help the unfortunate souls.


Coming up after the break, Celebrity Deity Swap will be seeing how Mrs Yahweh and Mrs Lucifer coped when they exchanged realms for a month. (Cut to scene showing Mrs Yahweh standing in Hell looking around despairingly as she says, "You mean to say there’s no toilet paper to be found anywhere?")

*copyright Kim Ayres 2008 - if anyone would like to buy this idea from me to turn into a TV programme, write me a cheque for a 5 figure number (pounds sterling, not including pence) and it's yours.
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20 comments

PI said...

My stern school-marmish face had melted into grins by the past para:)

Carole said...

Tee Hee. Sounds more interesting than most of the "reality shows" on the T.V. now. Have you thought of bottling you sense of humor and selling it?

Charlie said...

Merely watching that show would put me to sleep for the night, like most of the programs do now.

Your second show sounds a lot more promising—but your tag may be correct (I LOL)

Archivalist said...

To be followed a year later by the American rip-off.

Canadian Girl said...

Your post reminded me of a visit to my grandmother shortly before she went to live in a care home. On that visit, she complained to my mother (her daughter) that the next-door neighbour had stolen the "good feathers" out of her pillows and replaced them with his "bad feathers". Perhaps it was true and it was poor sleep on those bad feathers, not senile dementia.

Kim Ayres said...

Pat - I bet your schoolmarmish face still had a twinkle in the eye

Carole - I did a quick scan of the TV schedules this morning and was surprised to find my idea actually was superior to many of the daytime and reality shows currently on...

Charlie - I created that tag right after I wrote that last paragraph. The I realised it applied to a few others on this site too, so it's become part of the fixtures and fittings of this site

Archivalist - Using someone with a posh English accent, of course.

Canadian Girl - maybe that's my problem - I don't have CFS, but BFS - Bad Feather Syndrome

Conan Drumm said...

Don't forget the slightly creepy night vision video from the bedroom, including sequqences fast forwarded and slow-mo'd for effect... oh, and snoring, lots of snoring tweaked by the sound engineers. You have a hit on your hands!

MaLady said...

I imagine Mrs. Clause in Lucifer's domain saying "at least we'll be able to warm the hot cocoa easily, and someone must really brighten this place up a bit, scrub the soot off everything. How can they stand to live like this? Thank the Lord I come from where I do."

Kanani said...

Ha!
Oh, I hate those clean house shows. They fill me with absolute dread! I guess TV Producers think our lives have become so mundane that we have to watch other people suffer through having someone come in a clean their home.

Mary Witzl said...

I'd be a shoo-in for the fair but schoolmarmish middle-aged female osteopath. Pleeeease can I do it?

I haven't seen any of the shows this is lampooning, but I've heard of them, and I reckon you're onto something here. I keep waiting for the people who do the sponges to come and check my kitchen. Dear God, it doesn't bear thinking about what they'd find. And our pillows are all rubbish too, so no wonder our lives are messed up.

Just one point: Mrs Yahweh would not need toilet paper in heaven -- you just tear off a piece of cloud.

Kim Ayres said...

Conan Drumm - nuts! How could I forget the night-cam?

MaLady - I suppose if you consider Santa to be a diety, then Mrs Claus could end up in celebrity Deity Swap ;)

Kanani - one of Maggie's common rants against having a TV in the house is that of wasting time watching other people live their lives rather than living your own

Mary - I imagine a bidet would be difficult to find in Hell too. Then again maybe Hell would be full of bidets that no one can quite figure out how to work properly...

MaLady said...

Santa has all the necessary powers...

iLL Man said...

Well Kim, I sleep in a small, cluttered room, in a narrow single bed, my pillows are stacked three high, my bed clothes are changed once a year, regardless of whether they need it or not and I am on first name terms with most of the wildlife in my mattress, but goddamit if I don't sleep like a baby.......

Isn't beer brilliant?

They would so make this Kim. Copyright the idea before someone small, evil and Scottish (or Gillian McKeith)gets their mitts on it..........

Kim Ayres said...

MaLady - true...

Ill Man - beer would help me get to sleep, but not stay asleep. I'd still wake at 4am, only I'd have a pounding headache and need to the toilet

Mary Witzl said...

Damn: I saw your note about contributing to make this a real t.v. show and I got excited: a chance to get rid of those coppers! Then I saw the fine print...

Kim Ayres said...

For you Mary, I'll take the jars of coppers in exchange for the TV rights, so long as you include me in the profits for the merchandising (Pillow Inspectors t-shirts, books and, of course, pillows)

Archie said...

Love the post, and I keep cracking up at all the ads google robots found for you - TempurPedic SnoNoMo Back Neck Pain Relief Pillows (schoolmarmish tough love not included)

Kim Ayres said...

Archie - ha, it's true! My blog is littered with Google ads for pillows, sheets and bedding

Rob Hopcott said...

Wonderful irony - loved it.

My wife and I now watch TV in separate rooms so I can get away from the endless stream of soaps and reality TV shows.

Now, how about bricking up the door?

Kim Ayres said...

Rob Hopcott - welcome to my ramblings and thank you for taking the time to comment :)

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