Light at the end of the tunnel or just spots before my eyes?

Could I cope if it was just the tiredness and low energy? I’d probably still be pissed off about it, but what’s really been crippling is the depression that’s followed.

The description I gave in my post “Bollocks” back in May still holds. Although I haven’t blogged too much about it since, I still get hit with at least that level of intensity several times a week. Needless to say, it has been taking its toll. I’m also in no doubt that it’s gotten worse over the past couple of months.

Finally, however, a step forward seems to have been made, in that my GP has secured me an appointment to see a specialist in Edinburgh (2½ hours drive away).

Unfortunately it’s not for another 3 months.

A couple of weeks ago Maggie and I made the decision that I just have to shift into survival mode. For the past 18 months I’ve been trying to operate as normal, only with reduced energy, but the reality is it hasn’t worked. I’m in a state that’s anything but normal, although the fact that we can normalise almost any state we’re in only helps to confuse matters.

Put simply, my task now each day is to try and reach the end of day, and accumulatively to reach the end of the week.

I saw my GP again today and he’s agreed to put me on a low dosage anti-depressant – amitriptyline - to help combat the chronic lows. Part of me feels relief, while another part feels quite wary.

However, dark humour is to be found in the unlikeliest of places. While looking through the long and horrifying list of potential side effects any anti-depressant drug has, I came across this entry:

“Increased appetite and weight gain may be a side effect of the medicine or may be due to the relief of depression.”

Looks like attempts to combat weight gain are doomed – I’m depressed, let’s eat – I’m happy, let’s eat…