Crap

And there it is again. The hurt.

It is a pressure in the chest, a gaping void in the stomach, a lump about to form at the back of the throat and the dizziness of standing at the top of a high cliff wondering what it would be like to just step off.

I don’t know what’s causing it. I just want it to stop.

I don’t know whether it’s a symptom of something physical, like the B12 deficiency, or whether it’s psychological and to do with unresolved issues.

I cannot see what purpose it is serving. It is destructive. If it is my subconscious trying to tell me something then it’s being bloody obscure about it.

I just want the pain to stop. I want to function properly. I want to feel enthusiasm, joy and motivation again.

Probably be ok again tomorrow. It doesn’t usually last much beyond one day, although it seems to be happening more often these days.

I don’t know a cure, so I want to revert to distraction methods. But I no longer use drugs, could never cope with the hangovers to really get into alcohol and I can’t afford the money for retail therapy or gambling. Food has been the major distraction of choice over the past decade or more, but I’ve spent over 18 months battling the demon that took me to 19st 9lbs (275lbs).

So what’s left? What can I use to blot out the pain until it’s passed?

TV? Is that it?

And that’s only if there’s nothing too emotional on. I can’t cope with emotional dramas when I’m like this.

Crap.