The blog of photographer and musician, Kim Ayres

The latest visit to the doctor

“The test results are back and they’re quite conclusive.”

“And?”

“Your problem is caused by a severe fat and sugar deficiency. It seems the past 2½ years of healthy eating has had unforeseen side effects.”

“So what does that mean?”

“It means, Mr Ayres,” my GP paused for dramatic effect, “I’m going to have to put you on a strict diet of biscuits, cake and ice cream beep-beep.”

I pulled my mobile phone out of my pocket, but no one had texted me. “How long for beep-beep?”

“At least the next beep-beep two years, and then we’ll need to beep-beep review the situation.” The doctor and his consulting room began to fade as the beeping grew louder.

“NOOOOOooooooooooooooo….” I grabbed the alarm clock and hurled it across the bedroom. It wedged itself into the bookcase and continued to mock me with its beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep….

27 comments

Mary Witzl said...

You fooled me! I really thought that your doctor had said this!

Ages ago when I was doing pottery, I had a dream that I was throwing pots from great, towering mounds of chocolate. I was able to fashion the chocolate into the most wonderful, fragrant shapes, all as thin as paper, and someone told me I would be able to eat my results without firing them first. I was thrilled, but just before I could sample one, someone woke me up.

I'll never forget my rage and despair.

Julie said...

Your dream was so much better than mine, but so much more disappointing when you woke up. I was happy to find that my exploding aliens weren't real.

Carole said...

You are stinking funny. You really should consider stand-up.

C in DC said...

Thanks for the morning laugh.

ADW said...

Ha ha. At least you didn't kill anyone in your dream.

No Longer anonymous said...

Oh cruel Blogger the thought that if i was good enough there might someday come a time where I would have to eat ice cream for medicinal purposes sent my heart soaring only to have the "Dream" snatched away Cruel , Cruel Blogger

Brave Astronaut said...

"To sleep, per chance to dream." I remember sleep. Then I had a child. Dreams are nice but for some known reason they are much shorter than I remember them being.

And oh, the nightmare, what we love in dreamland is turned ugly by the cruel light of day. [fist shaking] Damn you oh, Gods of slumber!

sarah said...

those unforeseen side effects..

(thanks for the giggle)

Restaurant Gal said...

In my dreams, I eat all the bread, pasta, bagels, cakes and cookies I want. In my waking life, I am so much happier when I feel well and not eating any of it. You surely feel incredibly well these days, even if you miss the old stuff. But, oh, to dream....

Kim Ayres said...

Mary - One I had years ago that's never left me, was when I discovered I had a suitcase full of money, then had one of those rare moments where I realised it was a dream and spent the next frantic minutes trying to figure out how I could drag the money out of the dream and into reality. I was heartbroken as I woke up and failed to bring it with me

Julie - exploding aliens doesn't sound like that much fun - or was there enough in it towrite the script for the 5th "Aliens" movie?

Carole - thank you :)

C in DC - you'rewelcome :)

ADW - that' only fun if it's someone you really don't like

No Longer Anonymous - I know, I was gutted.

Brave Astronaut - quite simply, once you have kids, you never sleep as well again.

Sarah - you're welcome :)

Restaurant Gal - unfortunately, because of the CFS/ B12/ whateverthehellitis, I actually feel less well than I did when I was 100lbs heavier and ate all these things with gusto. However, I guess if I was still 100lbs heavier, I'd feel even worse.

Binty McShae said...

I was suffering from work related anxiety and a recurrence of depression a couple months back (genuinely) and the doctor gave me a weeks medical leave, recommending me to: a) be around other people as opposed to spending all my time alone; and b) do things I enjoy that help me relax. So essentially I was being given medical advice to go out and get pissed with my mates.

It worked as well...

Eryl Shields said...

I'm so depressed that was only a dream.

Christina said...

Life is a bit*h sometimes...

michael greenwell said...

i wish mine would say that about beer

Stinkypaw said...

now that's the kind of dream I have and hate!!! Good one!

fatmammycat said...

Wot? No flying? What sort of dream is that to be having. By the by, have you any news of Sam? I do hope she's fine and dandy.

PI said...

That's a nicer dream than F:lux's which was photographing Glory Holes
(bums to you - in a nice way:))

PI said...

BTW I yearn for your next photo. This one gives me nightmares.

Kim Ayres said...

Binty - perhaps part of the problem is that most of my closest mates are hundreds or even thousands of miles away

Eryl - I go through too many alarm clocks this way

Christina - ...and then you diet

Michael - they do say red wine is good for you in small quantities, but I guess it's the "small" that's the irritating bit.

Stinkypaw - :)

FMC - I love flying dreams. Must admit I hate waking from them too. 'Fraid I've not heard anything from Sam for some time. hope she's OK.

Pat - erm... glory holes are something quite different. Look it up on Wikipedia.

As for my pic, I'm stuck for new ideas at the moment, but I'll change it when I think of something

angie said...

haha, thanks for the laugh.

i have a similar dream of winning some grand game show prize "Angie! beep-beep You've won a beep-beep RI-beep-DIC-beep-U-beep-LOUS amount of beep-beep MONEY!!!!!!!"

i love flying dreams!

Dr Maroon said...

Christ Kim, for a second there...
I was almost trying for a referral.

Nikki said...

For a minute there, I thought this was some sort of revolutionary European treatment.

...I was planning to move.

It's just as well I guess...

Kim Ayres said...

Angie - :)

Dr Maroon - You're alive!!!

Nikki - we live in hope...

Layla said...

Hi Kim!
That was so funny, I'll probably think about that the next time I go to the doctors and start laughing!
Thats for the laugh, its cheered me up alot, because I'v had a rubbish day. :-)

jotcr2 said...

I was fooled. However as you know diet can drastically alter your state.

Kim Ayres said...

Layla - glad to be able to put a smile on your face :)

Jo - we live in hope of that kind of change :)

SafeTinspector said...

Too good to be true, dammit. Too good to be true.

All content copyright of Kim Ayres. Powered by Blogger.