The Biggest Bramble You Ever Did See

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I picked and I plucked, was scratched and stung, but slowly and steadily filled my tub with the wildest, ripest, tastiest brambles that Scotland has to offer.

And there, I swear, no word of a lie, was the biggest bramble you ever did see – large enough to feed 3 full grown men – just slightly out of reach.

I swapped the tub to my left hand to angle myself better. Standing on tiptoes I was nearly there, almost, just about… yes! I had it! I tossed it into the tub where it bounced off the corner and into the briars, gone forever.

But I carried on.

I picked and I plucked, was scratched and stung, but slowly and steadily filled my tub with the wildest, ripest, tastiest brambles that Scotland has to offer.

And there, I swear, no word of a lie, was the biggest, blackest, bramble you ever did see – large enough to feed 3 full grown men and their wives – nestled between 2 of the tallest, pointiest, stingiest stinging nettles in the whole of Galloway.

I swapped the tub to my right hand to angle myself better. Delicately sliding my fingers through the narrow gap, I gently squeezed the bramble. It exploded between finger and thumb, spraying me and everything in a hundred feet with a fleshy, purple mulch.

But I carried on.

I picked and I plucked, was scratched and stung, but slowly and steadily filled my tub with the wildest, ripest, tastiest brambles that Scotland has to offer.

And there, I swear, no word of a lie, was the biggest, blackest, shiniest, bramble you ever did see – large enough to feed 3 full grown men, their wives and children – hidden behind a web containing the creepiest, crawliest, longest leggedy spider this side of Solway Firth.

I swapped the tub to my left hand to angle myself better. Deftly curling my arm under the web, I carefully removed the berry from the briar and was startled by the slimiest, squirmiest, wriggliest maggot staring out at me. I jerked back my hand in disgust, springing the spider high into the air, which sailed away on a gust of wind, never to be seen again.

But I carried on.

I picked and I plucked, was scratched and stung, but slowly and steadily filled my tub with the wildest, ripest, tastiest brambles that Scotland has to offer.

And there, I swear, no word of a lie, was the biggest, blackest, shiniest, juiciest bramble you ever did see – large enough to feed 3 full grown men, their wives children and dogs – tucked between the spikes of the sharpest, prickliest, jaggiest gorse bush in the South West of Scotland.

I swapped the tub to my right hand to angle myself better. I stood on my tiptoes, slid my fingers between nettles, curled my arm beneath a web and plucked this queen of fruits from its nest. It did not fall, it did not squelch and it contained no maggot.

But strangely enough, when I placed it gently in my tub it wasn’t much bigger than any of the others.



More Bramble Stories:
The Great Bramble Hunt
Bramble Crumble
Bramble Crumble Recipe