The last couple of nights I’ve spent hours in the middle of them aggressively awake.
I don’t mean I’ve been shouting and beating up my pillow, rather my head has been shouting and beating up me with never ending fears, concerns, worries, embarrassments, regrets, injustices, anxieties, doubts, uncertainties, qualms, misgivings and anything else it can chuck at me to prevent me from returning to sleep.
After 3 years of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and many more of crap sleeping patterns, I have found ways of generally dealing with those 4am frettings that mostly work.
Focusing on breathing; detached observation of the thoughts as they rise up then float away; understanding the darkest hours of the night are never going to solve problems best dealt with in the light of day, so a good night’s rest eclipses all other priorities.
But no, not just now. I seem to have lost these hard won skills. Anything and everything, from the mildly probable to the downright ridiculous, is leaping into my head and slapping me forcefully about before I get pounced on and pinned down by the next thought and elbowed in the teeth.
Forget Queensbury Rules, these attacks are dirty, underhand and vicious.
Unbroken refreshing sleep: a faint and blurry memory from times long since past. I wonder if we’ll ever meet again.