I usually blog about whatever occurs to me at the time or what I’m currently obsessing about.
Sometimes there are things going on that affect the family or other people, which are not really for public consumption. At that point I’ll usually search around for something else to write about.
But this time I just didn’t want to discuss my own dominating thoughts. I hoped I could avoid it, but I can’t seem to find anything else to put in its place. Whatever else is happening in my life, there is only one thing filling my thoughts whenever I come to write.
Consequently I’m getting to the point where I’m beginning to avoid visiting my blog and others for fear of having to raise the subject or get into a conversation about it.
So I feel I’d better mention it in the hope that I can get past it and on to more interesting thoughts and posts.
The fact is I can feel the Depression returning. That hollow life-depleting pain, deep in the chest.
I weaned myself off the anti-depressants earlier this year; I was fed up with the side effects.
I have no desire to return to them.
This is all old and familiar territory (see sidebar label for mental and physical health), although no less painful for that. But why I haven’t been wanting to blog about it is, to be honest, I don’t want the reactions from other bloggers.
I’m not looking for sympathy and I’m not looking for well meaning, but misplaced, advice.
Those who have suffered from Depression know what it’s like. Those who haven’t very often give suggestions like “go for a brisk walk,” or “read a good book” or “just think positive thoughts.”
And I don’t want to hear it.
Depression (capital D), the condition, is quite different from depression (little d), the temporary mood. The “pull yourself together” suggestion, or variant, is about as useful as giving a sticky plaster to someone who has just had a limb ripped off.
Depression is not a self-indulgent choice.
I don’t want to have to pretend to smile and be grateful for comments such as “but you have so much going for you” or “what I do when I feel down is…”
The pain is recurring with greater frequency, but I am now exploring an alternative approach of mindfulness based cognitive therapy. This will take a bit of time to develop, but ultimately it should be a far more powerful tool than anti-depressants will ever be.
So. I have written this post in the hope that I can move past this block on my blogging.
I hope you will understand if visits to other blogs, or responses to comments are sporadic.
But please do not leave messages of sympathy, pity or advice.
I don’t want them.