Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Travelling at the speed of life

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Mid afternoon: I’m slouched on the sofa drifting in and out of consciousness. Noises from outside and around the house merging and separating from random thoughts, images and dreams. I hear Maggie approaching with mugs of coffee so I sit up, stretch, drop back into the cushions and try focusing my brain.

I sit quietly, gently sipping the nectar, feeling it massaging my muscles, blood vessels and brain as the caffeine coaxes me out of hibernation.

The front door slams.

“Yeeeellooo!”

Rogan kicks off his shoes, drops his school bag with a thud that rattles the walls and stomps down the stairs, already in conversation and talking at us with energy and enthusiasm.

I watch him as he tells us about something that did or didn’t happen at school; constantly moving, animated, alive. I feel like a sloth watching a hummingbird, wondering how anything can be so active and not spontaneously combust.

Then he’s bouncing back upstairs to get himself a snack while my assaulted eyes and brain wonder what hit them.

But something is nagging me. I drain the last of my coffee and allow the thought to surface.

“Was I ever like that, before the Fatigue?”

“Most of the time,” replies Maggie.

I don’t know if I’m more unsettled by the idea I was, or that I no longer am.
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12 comments:

debra said...

Oh, Kim, what a time you're having. You descriptions are poignant---almost bittersweet. Do take care of yourself.

Carole said...

I spent today, going to all of Nebraska's 6 month check-ups. She just turned two. We saw the audiologist, cardiologist, eye doctor, ear, nose, throat doctor, lab, and two physician assistants. Her appointments started at 8:30am and ended at 5:00pm.

Then came home and babysat my other granddaughter for three hours before putting her to bed.

I'm sitting on the couch just breathing in and out. I'm sure Randa on-the-other-hand is doing laundry, cleaning the house, working with Nebraska on some therapy, and having a stellar conversation with my son.

Perhaps its just age for me.

Sini said...

When I (and her mother too for that matter) am with my friend's toddler and she pulls at my hand to a show me something new every five seconds, I try telling her people not in their second year of live have to sit down sometime..

Doesn't work though...

Sini said...

and that would be 'second year of life'

karatemom said...

I totally get the picture you painted as we too have marvelled at similar exhibitions of behaviour from both out boys...

Many times my husband and I seated on the couch , quietly feeling both drained and relaxed after hard days at work..watch as one or both of our teenage boys come bounding through our front door ..blurting out a 100 messages at once and crash up and down stairs, multitasking between talking "to" us and their friends via cellphones at same time and when the calm finally once again returns ..we turn to eachother and say ....what was that ? or did you know they were forcasting a hurricane in our area ?'

We were all probably like that at one time too.
have a good day kim.

Charlie said...

Certainly your CFS plays a large part in your change, but you are also not a hormone-driven young boy who has physical and mental energy to spare.

Luckily, Rogan has enthusiasm for life and can find something interesting about almost anything. You (and I) passed that point a long time ago.

But you do get enthusiastic, Kim: you seem to be quite excited with your new photography equipment and taking photographs. I'm certain you get enthusiastic and worked up when you're embroiled in a good philosophical debate.

You just don't act like a teenage boy any longer, a circimstance of age, experience, and less hormonal activity.

Plus, if you bounded around like Rogan, chances are you'd break a leg or throw your back out of joint.

Geeze, I sound like Professor Charlie.

Kim Ayres said...

Debra - thank you

Carole - I have no idea how you manage it all

Sini - life through the eyes of a 2 year old is fascinating :)

KarateMom - the thing is, I'm not talking about when I was a teenager, I'm talking about up to just a couple of years ago, before the Fatigue hit

Professor - It's not so much about the physical energy - I never had huge amounts of that (although it was more than now), but I did have vast amounts of mental and emotional energy which I can no longer access. 20 minutes on high enthusiasm (or fear, panic, or any other heightened emotional state) and I'm exhausted. As I said to KarateMom above, I'm not comparing myself to when I was a teenager, but to only a couple of years ago.

But then, I don't feel I can moan much when you're in the room as you can trump me on every account.

Ronnie said...

What we lack in stamina and enthusiasm is compensated by our ability to moan and grumble for longer and with more frequency.

Mary Witzl said...

Kim, the kids I teach sit in my classes yawning their heads off (it's them, not me, though the more they yawn, the more boring I get). They slouch and stretch and tell me they are exhausted -- they have to study English for four whole hours! After class, they shuffle home to a prepared meal in the dorm and, I'm guessing from their test results, immediately fall asleep. I shop and cook and do laundry at home, then go back to work the next day at 7:30, but they can't make their 8:30 classes - they're too tired!

Does my whole class have chronic fatigue syndrome? I wish I had a couple of Rogans.

PI said...

They are precious times Kim. Cherish them whilst you can and look after yourself. xoxbil

Kim Ayres said...

Ronnie - if only that were true. Unfortunately even moaning at length wears me out. I've had to learn how to complain and grumble in short bursts only.

Mary - but teenagers sleep during the day so they can be up all night...

Pat - thank you :)

Kanani said...

I can't make it through a movie here at home without falling asleep!