tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post113940406914456192..comments2024-01-11T18:39:50.665+00:00Comments on Painting With Shadows: The Death of my MotherKim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1140167752555746052006-02-17T09:15:00.000+00:002006-02-17T09:15:00.000+00:00Julana - I have visited your site several times, a...<B>Julana</B> - I have visited your site several times, and seen your comments on other sites and am aware of your strong Christian beliefs. I understand, therefore that your comment is well meaning.<BR/><BR/>However, as I know you have visited this blog on several occasions, you must surely be aware of my atheism (see <A HREF="http://kimayres.blogspot.com/2005/11/losing-my-religion.html" REL="nofollow">Losing My Religion</A>, <A HREF="http://kimayres.blogspot.com/2005/08/downs-syndrome-is-not-issue.html" REL="nofollow">Downs Syndrome is Not an Issue</A> and/or even <A HREF="http://kimayres.blogspot.com/2006/01/answer-to-life.html" REL="nofollow">The Answer to Life</A>). In fact this post refers exlicitly to it.<BR/><BR/>I do not find comfort in God; quite the opposite in fact. <BR/><BR/>Now while I fully respect everyone's right to worship and believe as they see fit, I don't believe it's right to push that belief on other people. <BR/><BR/>I would like you to think for a moment how you would feel if, after writing a post on your own blog about the loss of a loved one, I had made a profoundly atheistic comment. I'm sure you would feel that it was crass and insensitive to your beliefs.<BR/><BR/>And of course it would be, which is why I would never dream of doing such a thing.<BR/><BR/>I respect your right to believe in any God or religion you chose, but I have to ask you to refrain from offering religious comfort, however well meaning, without invite on this blog.Kim Ayreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1140129450788070362006-02-16T22:37:00.000+00:002006-02-16T22:37:00.000+00:00Kim,I believe God heard you when you talked with y...Kim,<BR/>I believe God heard you when you talked with your mother, and that He was very sad at her death.Pilgrimhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13263860830512792429noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139595349104599252006-02-10T18:15:00.000+00:002006-02-10T18:15:00.000+00:00Thank you.Thank you.Kim Ayreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139592413173466762006-02-10T17:26:00.000+00:002006-02-10T17:26:00.000+00:00Well, I don't know what to say to that. but I hope...Well, I don't know what to say to that. but I hope you and yours are okay. Be thinking of you.fatmammycathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12307960277363243051noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139590618998048042006-02-10T16:56:00.000+00:002006-02-10T16:56:00.000+00:00Not particularly, fatmammycat. It's all a bit long...Not particularly, fatmammycat. It's all a bit long & complicated, but I may well write a post on it all.Kim Ayreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139577377183290122006-02-10T13:16:00.000+00:002006-02-10T13:16:00.000+00:00Kim what happened with your dad-in-law? Is he all ...Kim what happened with your dad-in-law? Is he all right?fatmammycathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12307960277363243051noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139561211026648082006-02-10T08:46:00.000+00:002006-02-10T08:46:00.000+00:00Paul - Welcome to my ramblings. That must have bee...<B>Paul</B> - Welcome to my ramblings. That must have been a seriously scary experience.<BR/><BR/>I don't think that you lack courage, or that I have an abundance of it. The simple fact is that there comes a point where you realise that it's just stupid to carry on the way you are so you have to do something about it. That's not so much courage as commonsense.<BR/><BR/><B>AM</B> - welcome. It's true that as time moves on more of my memories of my mother are of when was well. I had worried for a while that I would only remember her with half a paralysed face and a missing ear, but these days those memories are not so overwhelming.<BR/><BR/>Thank you for sharing your experience.<BR/><BR/><B>Siddharth</B> - welcome back and thanks for taking the time to commentKim Ayreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139560943412377382006-02-10T08:42:00.000+00:002006-02-10T08:42:00.000+00:00beautiful 7 touching like only 1 who has experienc...beautiful 7 touching like only 1 who has experienced grief can write.touch wood i havent had 2 deal with this kind of grief in my life.but when my uncle died of cancer a few years ago it was similar.he struggled for months before he died.i think mercy killing must be made legal.''the best way to deal with the grief is to let it happen''...wow that says it all.<BR/><BR/>yes kim life must be enjoyed in the present tense.nice 2 b back here.<BR/><BR/>cheers,Siddharthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04362492046378241845noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139519508196921762006-02-09T21:11:00.000+00:002006-02-09T21:11:00.000+00:00I went through an almost identical situation. It's...I went through an almost identical situation. It's terribly conflicting knowing the sleep, the drug induced unconsciousness is the best thing for them but you just want one more lucid moment where you can say what you want and she'll hear because you didn't want to talk about her dying before that even though she knew was dying, and I knew, and she knew I knew.<BR/><BR/>I'm no great believer in anything either but as I held her hand I told her I loved her and told her if she wanted to go she could go.<BR/><BR/>I went outside for a few minutes, when I came back she'd gone.<BR/><BR/>Typical mother, wouldn't do anything upsetting like dying in front of her son.<BR/><BR/>I hope you look back and smile when you think of her now because that's what I do.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139516506721865732006-02-09T20:21:00.000+00:002006-02-09T20:21:00.000+00:00Hi Kim.I came here from JoBlog.Sorry to read all t...Hi Kim.<BR/><BR/>I came here from JoBlog.<BR/><BR/>Sorry to read all this. <BR/><BR/>Respect to you for turning your life around. I was diagnosed with cancer last July but, apart from the fear of recurrence, all is well with me now, thank God. I know that I ought to turn my life around in certain respects, but I'm afraid that I don't have your courage!<BR/><BR/>Best wishes,<BR/><BR/>- PaulPaulhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13789950523908306139noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139512332161962532006-02-09T19:12:00.000+00:002006-02-09T19:12:00.000+00:00Gyrobo - time for reprogrammingAsher - what a wond...<B>Gyrobo</B> - time for reprogramming<BR/><BR/><B>Asher</B> - what a wonderful thing to say. Well we may not be able to go down the pub for a pint or two, but we can keep on discussing the universe until the wee hours of the morning<BR/><BR/><B>Andraste</B> - I'm sorry for your loss, and for the need to have to grit your teeth when you're sister's winding you up<BR/><BR/><B>Rebecca</B> - your son sounds like a warm and caring guy - you must be proud.<BR/><BR/>And I love your long comments - all those words, just for me - makes me feel special!<BR/><BR/><B></B>Kim Ayreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139510197650673372006-02-09T18:36:00.000+00:002006-02-09T18:36:00.000+00:00Kim:You are a wonderful writer, it amazes me how o...Kim:<BR/><BR/>You are a wonderful writer, it amazes me how ones memory of an event such as this can stay so focused even years after the event. You made this post both beautiful and sad at the same time-if that makes any sense. You do need to get started on that novel you talked about in that meme.<BR/><BR/>My mother is 63, her bestfriend is currently in stage 3 of cancer and is dying. My mother told me yesterday that everyone around her is dying and that she wants to die to, because this would be easier on her than living her life in pain while watching everyone around her die. <BR/><BR/>She is on morphine herself, not because of cancer, rather it is because of a arthritis that has mangled her hands and feet making most everything she wants to do for herself impossible. She is in pain constantly and it has become quite difficult for her to even be mobile. <BR/><BR/>My oldest son, who I home school, went to Iowa to be with grandma in her difficult time by train two weeks ago. He is almost sixteen, he is very close to my mother and she is thankful to have him there. He is worried about grandma, and sadly while I have siblings residing not far from her, none of them are stepping up to the plate to assist in caring for grandma. So my son will stay there until the end of this month, maybe he will return with grandma for a bit of a stay. <BR/><BR/>I try not to allow myself to get too consumed about the possibility-even though we just never know when the our time will end.<BR/><BR/>Oh my, I have created yet another long comment to your post (lol).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139508979794507362006-02-09T18:16:00.000+00:002006-02-09T18:16:00.000+00:00Gah. "Near her," not 'near here.'See what happens ...Gah. "Near her," not 'near here.'<BR/><BR/>See what happens when I try to be serious?Andrastehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17995089221441792487noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139508895612271162006-02-09T18:14:00.000+00:002006-02-09T18:14:00.000+00:00Very touching post, Kim. I lost my mother three ye...Very touching post, Kim. I lost my mother three years ago to cancer as well. I wasn't able to be there with her, though my eldest sister, who is a registered nurse, was. We were lucky she was there, and could even take time off her regular job and get paid through Hospice for the time. So at least mom had someone dear to her near here when she died. I'll always be grateful for that. And I try to remind myself of that when my sister is being a pain in the arse.Andrastehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17995089221441792487noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139506420898328592006-02-09T17:33:00.000+00:002006-02-09T17:33:00.000+00:00I won't say I'm sorry, or offer my condolences. I ...I won't say I'm sorry, or offer my condolences. I doubt they would lessen your pain.<BR/><BR/>I will say that the more I read your blog, and the more I learn about you, the more I come to respect your strength and intelligence.<BR/><BR/>I do have a complaint though: why the hell do you live so far away? I could use a guy like you as a friend. :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18435473760294052609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139502245749786422006-02-09T16:24:00.000+00:002006-02-09T16:24:00.000+00:00The sad thing is that that's probably exactly how ...The sad thing is that that's probably exactly how my future will turn out.<BR/><BR/>Must... change... life...Gyrobohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03256636954723983135noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139499636528154572006-02-09T15:40:00.000+00:002006-02-09T15:40:00.000+00:00Anti-barney - until I arranged my mother's funeral...<B>Anti-barney</B> - until I arranged my mother's funeral, I'd only ever been to one other, and that was my Grandfather's about 20 years ago. I'll probably write more about what we did in another post<BR/><BR/><B>Daithio</B> - welcome to my ramblings, and thank you for your warm words<BR/><BR/><B>fatmammycat</B> - I had planned on taking it easy, but we got a phonecall last night telling us that my father-in-law had called the police because he had an intruder in the house who wouldn't leave, which turned out to be his wife of 60 years who he didn't recognise...Kim Ayreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139488608580820152006-02-09T12:36:00.000+00:002006-02-09T12:36:00.000+00:00Sorry to hear of your Mom's death. My dad died fro...Sorry to hear of your Mom's death. My dad died from cancer too, it is very hard. Grief is process, as clinical as that sounds, but it is. It has many different levels and waves and the only thing a person can do is go through it.<BR/>I hope you spend today doing something nice.fatmammycathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12307960277363243051noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139482031752775202006-02-09T10:47:00.000+00:002006-02-09T10:47:00.000+00:00Kim,Was directed here from Joblog, wanted to say h...Kim,<BR/><BR/>Was directed here from Joblog, wanted to say how moved I was reading about your loss.<BR/><BR/>I'm lucky, I haven't crossed that bridge yet, so can only imagine the gap left in your life. Living here in Switzerland miles from my family (as you were) makes it all the more "closer to home" from me.<BR/><BR/>They say that the pain eases in time and when it does I'm sure you'll be left with the nicest memories of her.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139478977371559922006-02-09T09:56:00.000+00:002006-02-09T09:56:00.000+00:00That was a beautiful and poignant description of y...That was a beautiful and poignant description of your mother's passing,thank you for sharing it with us.<BR/><BR/>I think we Irish handle death a little better than the British as we celebrate the life as well as the death of the deceased at the Wake and funeral.the anti-barneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10963754274280166100noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139472829532927802006-02-09T08:13:00.000+00:002006-02-09T08:13:00.000+00:00Jo, Barbienan and Stella - thank you for taking th...Jo, Barbienan and Stella - thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your own experiences.<BR/><BR/>I don't think there is a right, or good way to lose someone you love, it will always be traumatic, and you will always be left with a sense of the stupidity or pointlessness of it.<BR/><BR/>Our culture just doesn't prepare us for death. It is the great taboo subject of our era.Kim Ayreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139441871516163312006-02-08T23:37:00.000+00:002006-02-08T23:37:00.000+00:00Kim, that was beautiful and as Jo said a very touc...Kim, that was beautiful and as Jo said a very touching memoir of your Mum.<BR/><BR/>I have lost both my parents and my brother. My mother died when I was 13, she suffered a brain haemorrhage and died 5 days later, she was 51. My brother who was estranged from the family (long story) died when in 2000 at 46 and Dad died in 2004, aged 84. Dad suffered dreadfully and I know what you went through - much as I didn't want to say goodbye I couldn't watch him suffer any more, it all seemed so cruel.<BR/><BR/>I don't think it matters what age you are when you lose a parent. The pain eases or gets easier to cope with but you will always miss them, you just have to learn to live without them.<BR/><BR/>I raise a glass to your Mum on the anniversary of her passing.Stellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01636391376867869652noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15322620.post-1139412850066202132006-02-08T15:34:00.000+00:002006-02-08T15:34:00.000+00:00Whatever age the the loss of loved ones can never ...Whatever age the the loss of loved ones can never be compromised. I too missed a brother of mine when he was 26 of cancer. He was my love of life and until now I keep asking why him at that age to die. That gave me some unknown guts to face things life where life is so uncertainR Girlshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12130413935960315935noreply@blogger.com