I'm afraid it's another visit to the archives this week - this time from May 2007. Normal (whatever that is) service will hopefully be resumed next week.
“Do you still love me despite my […insert perceived undesirable body part(s)…]?”
“What’s that, oh love of my life?”
“How can you still love me with my […insert perceived undesirable body part(s)…]?”
Actually I heard her the first time, but was attempting to give myself time to think. An array of possible strategies need to be formulated, considered, worked through and accepted or rejected before replying. And all within a fraction of a second.
Any delay in answering is going to be taken to confirm that the […insert body part(s)…] is/are* […insert undesirable characteristic(s)…] and therefore you no longer love her, indeed have probably never loved her and your entire 24 years of relationship have been nothing more than an empty sham.
Of course a straightforward answer is completely out of the question. Consider:
“No, I…” You won’t get any further with this line of thought because your genitals will have been removed in a sudden and violent reaction.
“Yes, I still love you…” will only elicit the response:
“Oh, so my […insert body part(s)…] is/are* […insert undesirable characteristic(s)…]!” resulting in an angry and/or* insecure partner on your hands.
“What’s wrong with your […insert body part(s)…]?” might give you a few moments extra thinking time, but is a delaying tactic only. After the […insert body part(s)…] has/have* had its/their* […insert undesirable characteristic(s)…] reiterated and exaggerated further, you will still be expected to announce your verdict.
“I love you BECAUSE of your […insert perceived undesirable body part(s)…]” is a dangerous route to take unless you are particularly adept at verbal gymnastics. It is not recommended for the amateur, or for certain times of the month.
Feigning a sudden migraine/cramps/heart attack* is an emergency response and can only ever be used once in your relationship. If you used it up in your first year together, any attempt to repeat the tactic, even if it is 24 years later, will be met with cold suspicion, even if you are genuinely suffering a sudden migraine/cramps/heart attack*.
“Oh for goodness sake, woman. Haven’t you realised yet that after 24 years together I love you for being you? Your body is a part of who you are, no matter what size, shape or quality it has.” On the face of it, this appears to be quite a good answer, but don’t be fooled: your astute partner will still pick up on the fact that you didn’t actually deny that her […insert body part(s)…] does/do* have […insert undesirable characteristic(s)…].
So what possible answer can you give to such a question other than diving out of the nearest window and running up the road as fast as you can, making sure you never look back?
My tried, tested and patent pending response to this most destructive of apparently casual questions, is “Do you know why your […insert body part(s)…] is/are* so special to me?” and then proceed to relate a memory of a shared event or experience, where the […insert body part(s)…] took centre stage. Then again, this should probably only be attempted after at least 10 years of being together, by which time you should have built up a backlog of such incidences.
This morning, however, I discovered one more answer, which seemed to get me off the hook:
“Ha! That gives me an idea for an excellent blog entry!”
*delete as appropriate