Monday, January 10, 2011

Dorian Gray

.
I'm continually getting a shock each time I look in the mirror.

My eyes are not bloodshot.

My hair is not greyer than it was, nor is it falling out.

I don't have dark shadows under my eyes.

I don't have excessively pale or sallow skin.

I don't have huge sagging bags under my eyes.

I don't have a haunted look etched into my face.

It astounds me I don’t look anything like I feel.

Perhaps this is just as well as, if I did, small children would start crying and bury their faces in their mother’s skirts when I walked past, and even the most hardened adults would probably cross the street to avoid me.

Somewhere out there must be a terrifying painting of me twisted in an exhausted emotional mess.
.

22 comments:

The Unbearable Banishment said...

It's just as well. Remember, it's much more important to look good than it is to feel good.

[You do realize that that's one of my witty sarcasms, don't you?]

Ponita in Real Life said...

Is there a way to perhaps absorb some of the 'looking good' into feeling good?

savannah said...

it's all the photoshopping you've been doing, sugar!

or it could be like two of my favorite movie lines:

it was like...magic! or it's a mystery! xoxoxoxo

expat@large said...

*I* am that painting...!

Eric said...

Sorry to know that you are feeling unwell with such steadfastedness. I look in the mirror and see the pale sallow skin, the circles under my eyes discoloring further, the wrinkles and accruement of spots and say, "dayyum! It's about time the world sees how I feel"
Would warm weather help you?

TalesNTypos said...

Aside from the pale skin, that person you speak of is me. :|



I hope you feel better soon.... already even. Feel better already.

Kim Ayres said...

UB - If I could just figure out a way to bottle this I could make a fortune...

Ponita - not really. In fact if I looked how I felt I could probably create a really amazing self portrait...

Savannah - I'm becoming photoshopped by osmosis? Unfortunately my less than sparkly white teeth put paid to that idea :)

Expat - :)

Eric - warm sunny weather always helps - I'm sure my genes crave a Mediterranean environment - but the absence of an appalling set of circumstances I can't blog about would be better

Adila - your positive thoughts are always welcome :)

V said...

Kim, I think paintings of us all would be very different from the passing time etched on ours faces. Imagine the old lady whose potrait would forver be a mischievous little girl? Whatever you can't write here....keep writing it down anyway even if it never, like the portait, sees the light of day or monitor....Hugs

Guyana-Gyal said...

Here, have some sunshine and warmth, it's a lovely day here today, not too hot, and my neighbourhood looks pretty. I'm too ill today to appreciate it, couldn't even work.

Fay's Too said...

Well said. You communicate this invisible illness very well.
Hang in there.

Eryl said...

You're the only person who can make me feel grateful for looking shit!

Sorry to hear you have an new appalling set of circumstances to add to the health ones.

Mr London Street said...

That's January for you, it'll get you like that every time.

Pat said...

I don't want to sound like Goody Two Shoes but to look good effortlessly is a great blessing and gives pleasure to all around you.
But I do hope things buck up for you.

Kim Ayres said...

V - thanks :)

Guyana Gal - sunshine always sounds good - sorry to read you're not feeling well

Fay - thank you :)

Eryl - I've never seen you looking shit. You even managed to look stylish with a broken front tooth in a hospital bed a year ago :)

Mr London Street - s'true - Januarys are rarely a good month

Pat - I never said I looked good - just not as bad as I feel. I don't think I've ever looked good...

Hindsfeet said...

my dear my dear.......wishing you Rest and Peace............

<3

Pat said...

Remember Ive seen you in the flesh and to me you look good:)

nikgee said...

Sometimes it is hard to get past ourselves. Others aren't as critical as we are of ourselves.

Ron said...

Ah yes, Dorian Gray, the subject of one of my future blogs. You stole my idea. :)

I fear that I am Dorian Gray. In my mind I don't see:

dark circles under my eyes
bags under my eyes
face with a haggard look
receding hairline with graying hair
turkey neck
sallow skin
wrinkled and sun damaged skin
"puppet" jowls

and.....you get the idea. I am no longer the stunning, eye popping, draw dropping 37 year old who used to turn heads when I entered the 247 Bar on 17th Street in Philadelphia. I am but a sad memory of that vibrant young man.
But, and this is a big BUT......I am still alive!

Aayushi said...

hey Kim...m following your blog for a while..just love your blog!
I've passed on the stylish blogger award. Check it out!
http://ayushi-milestones.blogspot.com/

Kim Ayres said...

Hindsfeet - thank you :)

Pat - you know how to make a man feel good :)

Nikgee - it's not self criticism, just surprise that my exterior doesn't seem to reflect my interior

Ron - you're not a shadow of your former self, you are a different self that has moved on :)

Aayushi - I don't think I have ever, ever, ever, been associated with the word "stylish" before! I'll pop across soon to check it out :)

Carole said...

On the up side little children don't hide and hardened adults don't cross to the opposite street when you pass by.

And you still write. That makes your fans very thankful.

Kim Ayres said...

Thanks Carole :)