The blog of photographer and musician, Kim Ayres

Full to bursting

.
Stuffed

Bloated

F’lup

For 2 days I’ve not held back with the eating. If I’ve wanted it, and I’ve not been feeling sick with all the food I consumed earlier, I’ve eaten it. My belt has expanded a notch and after meals I’ve undone the top button on my trousers.

So what have I discovered, or rediscovered, by this gluttonous behaviour?

Firstly, is it feels absolutely wonderful when I’m doing it. Less so when I’m uncomfortably distended afterwards, but at the time it is absolute bliss. Maggie is a superb cook and the edible delights she creates puts Nigella to shame

Secondly, I’ve been surprised to find I’ve stopped feeling permanently chilled. Something I’ve always considered to be a side effect of the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is that I’m never really warm, and if I get cold it takes forever to build up any sense of internal heat.

Most of my friends know I will always chose a seat closest to the fire or radiator, wear several layers even in summer and have my fingerless gloves all but welded to my hands.

But perhaps it is more to do with the fact I have been watching what I eat for nearly 6 years, because back in the days when I didn’t my weight went up to 19stone 9lbs (275lbs).

However, worse than the weight gain, another side effect of stuffing my face with rich sugary foods is the effect it has on my emotional state. The ecstasy experienced while I am eating is counteracted by severe drops in mood and intense feelings of deep emotional pain following the inevitable sugar-drop. This results, of course, in an overwhelming urge to cram sweet fatty foods into my mouth again to stop that hollow abyss, which has opened in my chest.

My relationship with food is a complex one.

My choice, then, is to experience an emotional roller-coaster and weight gain, but feel warm, or stay chilled, be less overweight and slightly more emotionally stable.

Mind you, after messing up my system like this these past few days, it will still take several weeks of fighting off the cravings while experiencing the emotional ups and downs until I start to stabilise anyway.
.

20 comments

Eryl said...

This is very interesting, has your fatigue abated at all, or is it still the same? Whichever it is I think I'd have to choose the emotionally stable option myself, at least you have some, control.

Kim Ayres said...

It doesn't seem to have affected the CFS, Eryl. And yes, I have to chose the more emotionally stable option. The bugger of it is now is that it can take up to 3 weeks of being completely on track before the cravings and emotional instability subside to managable levels.

I'm far better off not allowing myself the indulgence in the first place - I know this - but my brain lies to me, and Christmas, with all the amazing goodies on offer, is a temptation too far.

Jayne Martin said...

Well, that sucks. Not really a decent option among them, is there? I guess you ease off the sugar gradually until you reach that level known as "All things in moderation."

We all have to pay the proverbial piper in some way after Christmas indulgences. But what the hell. It's only once a year.

Ponita in Real Life said...

Hmmm, it would seem you are rather like a horse and generate more body heat while digesting all that food. That's how they stay warm in winter. Lots of hay = lots of body heat.

Not that I am calling you a horse, though... ;-)

Glad you've chosen the more sensible option. I've just completed the second full turkey dinner in two days, complete with lots of sweets, but somehow I don't feel any warmer. Of course, it IS -25c outside (with the wind) so that might have something to do with it.

angryparsnip said...

I well understand your dilemma.
I have been less active for the past two months with the Fibromyalgia and even with not indulging until a few days ago, I have put on too much weight. So I too will be in a fight.

I hope your back on track soon. To eat or not to eat that is the real question.

cheers, parsnip

Eric said...

Kim, not only do you share your name with my father but you describe the symptoms I suffer to a 't'. With a body temperature normally at 35.5 I love the long hot summers here (Israel) but the winters are brooding and slow while I need to consume a meal every four hours. Do you also have that not drinking enough (water my man, water) makes you angry?

Pat said...

I'm glad - like me - you have had a day or two of indulgence because I know(less like me) you have the strength of will to redress it.
As soon as I have finished the chocolate trifle I'll start to cut back.

hope said...

I'm sorry you're in the position to have to make such a choice. I'm guessing that even sweets "in moderation" still mess with your system?

Just vent with us until the roller coaster hits a smooth patch. We understand. And I promise to eat chocolate for you. ;)

Lynne said...

I get that way at Halloween. mmmmmm chocolate and sweet fatty desserts...heaven! For me I hate the roll-coaster of feeling euphoric happiness to feeling like crying & hiding in the closet.
AND I know all about feeling cold all the time, always been a "skinny minnie" (5'8" and 125-130lb) We would be fighting for the same seats! LOL
Good luck in getting back into balance with your moods and fighting the power/call of sweets, *that's* the hardest thing, sweets have such a seductive calling, it's hard to resist like the Sirens in Greek Mythology.

Hindsfeet said...

hey hon.....about the "chilly" thing.....can I just help out a little with this one? That's usually indicative of low thyroid production......this issue can profoundly affect energy levels as well......

...most docs fix this synthetically...*NOT* a good route to go.....but there are holistic alternatives, i.e. bovine thyroid boosters that you can take......

....and yeah, as you know, everything is connected, body, mind, emotions, etc.....when our bods get out of whack it takes our minds and emotions along for the "roller coaster ride" too.....and vice versa.....again, as you know.........

....I know you're not a fan of "unsolicited advice"....hope you can hear my heart in this little comment.....that I'm not being pushy and presumtuous...just carin' about cha......that's all...

all the best to you and your beautiful family in 2011, Kim.....

Fay's Too said...

Oh, do I hear you, Brother! Food is just wicked good. I have a lot of trouble with the M word (moderation) I've been reading a lot lately about water (see my holy water blog) and have decided to do some different things for my fatigue. I'll be happy to share if you like.
Happy year!

Kim Ayres said...

Jayne - Unfortunately, moderation isn't really an option. It's a bit like saying to an alcoholic, well just restrict your drinking to one or 2. Once they have one, the trigger has been pulled and they cannot stop. Very similar thing going on with me and certain food types.

Ponita - well according to Chinese Astrology, I was born in the year of the horse. Although I have to say that hay just doesn't do it for me in the way a chololate bar does...

Parsnip - it's a bugger, isn't it?

Eric - always good to know there are other men in the world called Kim - we're a real minority :) If I don't drink enough water, I don't get angry directly, but I do get dehydrated quite quickly and end up with a really bad headache. This does make me irritable... Tell me, do you have a named condition?

Pat - well, we can't leave chocolate trifle just lying around can we?

Hope - aye, moderation doesn't really work - see my reply to Jayne.

Lynne - sounds like you know exactly how it feels - and for that you have my sympathy.

Hindsfeet - my thyroid has been checked several times, but nothing has ever shown up as being even slightly out of place. Thanks for your thoughts

Fay - I do drink plenty of water (see my reply to Eric), and fortunately this corner of Scotland is one of the less poluted areas of the UK :)

Litzi said...

Amidst your battery of tests, were you checked for celiac disease…gluten intolerance?

Kim Ayres said...

Litzi - yes, quite recently, and it came back negative

Space Lady said...

All I can say is that I relate 100%. That and I am having to resist the urge to beat myself up for gaining some weight back.

Falak said...

Looks like you're caught between the devil and the deep sea.:)
Hope the mood swings don't last for long.

Ron said...

Our relationship with food is a most interesting subject. I will admit that I am obsessed with food. However, it is in the opposite direction. While I love food, I am so fearful of becoming big like my two brothers (both at 300 lbs) that I have sometimes went too far in the other direction with my weight falling as low as 145 lbs (I'm 6'3".) While I am tall and can carry the weights (both my brothers are taller than me), I don't want to live with the guilt and the health consequences. But having said all of that, I am addicted to glazed walnuts and Doritos chips....and French Fries....and bacon cheeseburgers.....and.......well, you get the pictures. I'm am a fat 165 lbs. now. I have to lose 10 pounds.

Kim Ayres said...

Space Lady - unfortunately, in my experience, added guilt only makes us reach for the cookie jar...

Falak - thanks. There are other things contributing to the mood swings too, but I'll write about that another time.

Ron - you do not need to lose 10lbs. Did you know being underweight is worse for your health than being overweight?

Stella said...

I too have overindulged and am now feeling guilty. I put on a lot of weight in the second half of last year, was winning the battle to lose and and along came Christmas and moderation went out the window. While I thoroughly enjoyed indulging myself I now have to get back on track, sigh....

Kim Ayres said...

We will eat sensibly through 2011. I mean, what else where we going to do?

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