For 2 days I’ve not held back with the eating. If I’ve wanted it, and I’ve not been feeling sick with all the food I consumed earlier, I’ve eaten it. My belt has expanded a notch and after meals I’ve undone the top button on my trousers.
So what have I discovered, or rediscovered, by this gluttonous behaviour?
Firstly, is it feels absolutely wonderful when I’m doing it. Less so when I’m uncomfortably distended afterwards, but at the time it is absolute bliss. Maggie is a superb cook and the edible delights she creates puts Nigella to shame
Secondly, I’ve been surprised to find I’ve stopped feeling permanently chilled. Something I’ve always considered to be a side effect of the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is that I’m never really warm, and if I get cold it takes forever to build up any sense of internal heat.
Most of my friends know I will always chose a seat closest to the fire or radiator, wear several layers even in summer and have my fingerless gloves all but welded to my hands.
But perhaps it is more to do with the fact I have been watching what I eat for nearly 6 years, because back in the days when I didn’t my weight went up to 19stone 9lbs (275lbs).
However, worse than the weight gain, another side effect of stuffing my face with rich sugary foods is the effect it has on my emotional state. The ecstasy experienced while I am eating is counteracted by severe drops in mood and intense feelings of deep emotional pain following the inevitable sugar-drop. This results, of course, in an overwhelming urge to cram sweet fatty foods into my mouth again to stop that hollow abyss, which has opened in my chest.
My relationship with food is a complex one.
My choice, then, is to experience an emotional roller-coaster and weight gain, but feel warm, or stay chilled, be less overweight and slightly more emotionally stable.
Mind you, after messing up my system like this these past few days, it will still take several weeks of fighting off the cravings while experiencing the emotional ups and downs until I start to stabilise anyway.