The blog of photographer and musician, Kim Ayres

Clash of the Titans

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Rogan and I rented the recent remake of "Clash of the Titans" the other night to watch on DVD.

I'm not going to attempt an indepth critique of the film - reviews were never part of my skill set. Oh I could tell you it was crap, but no one would invite me on to their movie show for such a simplistic assessment.

However, what really surprised me about this film was the DVD cover.

SPOILER ALERT - if you plan on seeing the film and don't want the plot revealed, don't read any further.

Are you still reading? Well, it won't make any difference anyway, because the biggest spoiler is the cover of the DVD itself.

Basic points of plot tension.

1. The Kraken is going to destroy Argos (the ancient Greek city, not the high street store and catalogue). How can they possibly stop it? Don't look at the DVD cover, because it will give away the answer.

2. They have discovered the only way to stop the Kraken is to use the gaze of Medusa (who turns all living creatures to stone with her eyes). Will they find Medusa? Don't look at the DVD cover, because it will give away the answer.

3. Medusa is busy killing off the members of the group. Will our hero, Perseus, manage to kill Medusa and take her head? Don't look at the DVD cover, because it will give away the answer.

4. Perseus has Medusa's head safely in a bag. Will he be able to get back to Argos in time to hold the head aloft and destroy the Kraken? Don't look at the DVD cover, because it will give away the answer.



Sigh...

This weekend we're planning on renting Valkyrie, which is about an assassination attempt by German officers on Hitler, some 9 months before Hitler committed suicide in the bunker in 1945.

The big question is, will they succeed...?
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25 comments

Firefly said...

That is, by far, the best movie review I've ever read. Mad me laugh AND it was truthful. Thanks. :-)

mapstew said...

Don't spoil it, I haven't seen Valkyrie yet! :¬0

A happy weekend to y'all!

Vicky said...

I just have trouble getting my head around Tom Cruise in Valkyrie :)

litzi said...

Vicky,
I have trouble getting my head around anything Tom Cruise does...blah!

Postman said...

Ha ha! I'll be danged. If I'd just waited around until the DVD came out I wouldn't have had to waste nine dollars and three hours to see if Perseus could really pull the whole thing off.

My money's on the Hitler-assassination plot succeeding...

Pat said...

Oooh it sounds just up my street.

NOT!

Boy's stuff!
WV inissit.

Jacqui said...

I'm waiting for a remake of Titanic, where the ship reaches it's destination. Now that would be a surprise.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

I think that may be too much blood and gore for me.

Jasmine said...

Ahaha. I wasn't planning on seeing it anyway, but I loved your review.

I'm putting my bet in with Postman. Let's get a pool going.

Ron Tipton said...

Oh darn, I looked at the cover! And I have "Clash of the Titans" in my Netflix queue. Dag nab it!

Se2 said...

ROFLlol...!!

Who would have a thought that review of a pathetic movie can be made so interesting..? :D

V said...

Brilliant.

TalesNTypos said...

LMAO, Kim, you are funny.
I think I've watched this movie. Vaguely remember what you're talking about.

~:C:~ said...

Couldn't agree more, Kim.

My friend and I were watching it last spring while marking final exams in her living room, and I don't think I bothered to look up at the TV more than a few times.

You know it's not a great movie when poorly written short essays are more engaging than a never-before-seen film in a genre I normally love. :P

Valkyrie, on the other hand, was ok - it's just that after having seen 1967's The Night of the Generals and 1990's The Plot to Kill Hitler, it just felt like a tired remake. Tom Cruise was surprisingly good in the movie, though.

Mary Witzl said...

That last sentence is just perfect. I'm betting they succeed!

Roschelle said...

ha..ha! doesn't leave much room for the imagination, does it? i enjoyed the original (or was it even an original) harry hamlin version back in the 80s. i haven't seen the remake, and probably won't.

love your question about valkyrie...lol

Kim Ayres said...

Firefly - you're welcome :)

Mapstew - ok, I'll keep quiet then :)

Vicky - but his American accent fits so well, you know?

Litzi - he looks rather dashing with only one eye

Postman - didn't the movie posters reveal anything then?

Pat - sometimes you have to watch something really naff just to remind you how much you appreciate well made films :)

Jacqui - Just need to wait for the Disney version then. You've only got to look at the Little Mermaid to know they will change a classic story to give a happy ending

Gillian - and lots of really really bad false beards and wigs too

Jasmine - remind me not to ask you for your predictions for the lottery numbers... :)

Ron - well there's plenty of muscle-bound men to keep your interest :)

Se2 - strictly speaking it was a review of the cover... which was much more interesting than the film...

V - thank you :)

Adila - you've seen it too? My condolences...

~:C:~ - There were a few actors who have probably ruined their reputations by being in this movie. For certain, I'll never be able to look at Liam Neeson again without thinking of that sparkly Zeus costume

Mary - how much? ;)

Roschelle - I think I went to the cinema to see the 80s version, although I don't remember much about it

allencapoferri said...

I saw Valkyrie quite a while ago. I can tell you I wondered what all the negative press was all about before it came out.

Falak said...

Firstly the movie reviwe was brilliant! It would do some movie critics a lot of good to take a leaf out of your book. Secondly thanks a million for saving the precious time, energy and electricity I was initially planning to spend on downloading that movie :)

Jayne Martin said...

Such "guy" films. I'm picturing a lot of beer consumption, belching and scratching of one's private parts... Or maybe just a bowl of popcorn and a soda. ;)

Thrup'ny bits said...

MMmmm . . . the kind of movie that I would say the screenplay fits two pages . . . and one of those is the title page.

Loved the review of the DVD cover. I expect few would be as familiar with the Greek myths to 'read' the cover like you did, Kim.

Alan

TalesNTypos said...

Kim, where've you gone? Come back.

Kim Ayres said...

Allen - well I was amazed he didn't get away with it! I mean, come on... Tom Cruise always wins the day, doesn't he?

Falak - a lot of movie critics could save themselves an awful lot of time and energy if they just reviewed the covers rather than the films :)

Jayne - I'm trying to keep my 15 year old son off the beer...

Alan - I think even the 30 Second Bunnies Theatre would have several seconds left over after dealing with the plot...

Adila - thank you for your concern! Still alive, just tired :)

snoble24 said...

yeah they shouldnt of picked that cover for it cuse that gives the hole movie away.

Brave Astronaut said...

really, the Harry Hamlin version is all I need

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