Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Eustacia Bancroft wants to be my friend

.
Eustacia Bancroft contacted me on Facebook.

Eustacia Bancroft wants to be my friend.

Eustacia Bancroft is very pretty, with red hair, porcelain skin and clear blue eyes.

Eustacia Bancroft is 25, single, interested in men, friendship, dating, relationships and random play.

Eustacia Bancroft isn’t a name I recognise as someone I know, or even the likely daughter of someone I know.

Eustacia Bancroft must have randomly come across my profile and been instantly smitten.

Eustacia Bancroft must have a thing the more mature, bearded man.

Eustacia Bancroft must surely have seen my current Facebook profile pic.



Eustacia Bancroft must be insane.

Eustacia Bancroft has 58 friends on her profile.

Eustacia Bancroft’s 58 friends are all male.

Eustacia Bancroft’s 58 friends are mostly overweight, balding, holding a pint with a silly grin on their face, or all three.

Eustacia Bancroft’s 58 friends are some of the saddest looking bastards I’ve seen in a long time.

Eustacia Bancroft is clearly operating some kind of con, scam or is just laughing herself stupid at the gullibility of blokes who think they are attractive enough to have a good-looking 25 year old woman throw herself at them.

Eustacia Bancroft couldn't have known I’m instantly suspicious of any good looking woman (other than my wife) finding me attractive.

Eustacia Bancroft hasn’t been accepted as my friend on Facebook.

I did toy with the idea of pointing her towards Dr Maroon though…
.

37 comments:

Eryl Shields said...

Perhaps her father deserted her (or died, was kidnapped or otherwise imprisoned) when she was a baby, and the one photograph she has of him, faded and crumpled now, looks just like you.

Brave Astronaut said...

Isn't it nice how the Internet is accessible to the blind also? That must surely be the reason . . .

Anna van Schurman said...

Eustacia Bancroft will surely google herself. I'm glad she'll get the message.

Kim Ayres said...

Eryl - aaaahhhhh! Knife through my heart!

Brave Astronaut - if she'd had dark glasses and a white cane, I'd have perhaps been less suspicious

Anna - when I googled her there were 0 results. I reckon she's probably a middle-aged bloke called Bob

Anonymous said...

Perhaps Eustacia Bancroft is Looking for love in all the wrong places?

Kim Ayres said...

Eustacia? Is that you???

debra said...

With a name like Eustacia Bancroft......or she was the child of a war-time encounter looking to make peace with her past.

michael greenwell said...

fuck eustacia bancroft - oh no, you can't in either the pleasant or unpleasant physical sense because she doesnt exist.

nevertheless, it never ceases to amaze me that intelligent people whinge and bitch about intrusive government snooping and then sign up and put all their info on facebook myspace etc

michael greenwell said...

or have a blog i suppose

but i genuinely do think that is a different thing.

Attila The Mom said...

How could anyone resist you, you hunka hunka burning love?

Kim Ayres said...

Debra - Hmmm. She said she was born in 1983, so I guess it must have been the Falkland's conflict.

Michael - you think I shouldn't have filled in the boxes displaying my credit card and bank details on my profile?

Attila - well obviously that was my first thought. But then I remembered that no beautiful woman has ever thrown herself at me. Even my wife had to be brainwashed first.

Sayre said...

Oh, that is too funny! I am going to have to find someway to send this to a friend of mine who adores Facebook. Or point her here. Either way, it was a great chuckle after lunch!

karatemom said...

LOL I love facebook...but mostly facebook poker hahaha.

p.s I uploaded a new pic on my KMA blog that I rarely ever write on anymore cause i'm too busy playing poker on facebook lol ..have a good day !!

michael greenwell said...

kim - it is a lot more about profiling than theft.

Kim Ayres said...

Sayre - thank you :)

KarateMom - I have no idea if Eustacia plays poker

Michael - are you on Facebook? We should link up

Z said...

There are several results on Google for Eustacia Bancroft now.

Tom said...

Thought perhaps her name was an anagram to guide you in your quest for finding rest but not sure how "A Fabricate Counts" helps... maybe it means something to you.

Mary Witzl said...

Still, this has added a bit of intrigue to your life, hasn't it? So it's all worth it in the end!

I'll never forget the first time I got handed an advertising flier targeting middle-aged women, in Tokyo. I looked at it, recognized it for what it was, and felt like bursting into tears.

savannah said...

i wondered the same thing when a 32 year old engineer asked to be my friend on facebook....i mean, sugar, i have scarves older than that! not to mention 3 children! xoxox

Kanani said...

Oh! I really don't understand facebook. I'm on there but ... I don't get it.
Anyway, Eustacia Bancroft is climbing up your building, looking into the windows right now...
YIKES

Kim Ayres said...

Z - I wonder if there's a term for creating results in google for which there were previously no entries at all?

Tom - Maybe I should avoid playing scrabble with you

Mary - it seems the more embarrassing the story, the better the blog post

Savannah - ah, but who could possibley resist your Southern charms?

Kanani - just be wary about agreeing to be friends with anyone you don't know

PI said...

I decided Face book and stuff was an added unnecessary complication to life so eschewed it. I'm not saying she couldn't have fallen head over heels for you Kim, but she may have lots of computer problems which she is going to unload on you. And scrounge free chocolate cake.
Maroon is having a thing with Mrs Whatsit I think. Silly old sausage.!

Namaste said...

very cute

debra said...

or perhaps she needs money to help dying/starving/homeless/orphaned children in Nigeria/Ghana/the Netherlands and she would like you to wire money to she can help these people---or if you don't want to take the time to wire money, you can just give her access to your bank accounts and she can do it herself. So noble a lass.

Kim Ayres said...

Pat - Facebook can be fun, although all sorts of legal wranglings over Scrabble have left it without one of the bset passtimes on there.

As for Doc, I think he'll discover soon enough that Mrs Pouncer is just Foot Eater in disguise

Namste - thank you :)

Debra - you know, I think you might be on to something...

Archie said...

'random play'? oh my. how random.

Jupiter's Girl said...

That's so funny, Kim. Eustacia. What a name! That Facebook fun escapes me. I tried, but I just couldn't get into having an account. It felt too much like work.

Footeater - I love his writing, and Doc Maroon's (surprise), and Penis balloons (Goodpaunch or somesuch), and any other pseudonym he writes under. Mrs. Pouncer is not him, but she is just as funny.

Jupiter's Girl said...

Is that picture of you really on Facebook as your gravatar? That's great. It made me laugh - the comment you made and the pose, not because you aren't handsome.

Dr Maroon said...

I did toy with the idea of pointing her towards Dr Maroon though…
Hey you're a funny guy Ayres. Funny funny guy.
What's she like anyway.
Is she fit? Who cares, send her over.

ps,

Blogger Jupiter's Girl said...

Is that picture of you really on Facebook as your gravatar? That's great. It made me laugh - the comment you made and the pose, not because you aren't handsome.

Now that IS funny.

ArleneWKW said...

Eustacia Bancroft may be accumulating friends. I'm on "Tribe.net," a social networking site that is popular among Burning Man attendees. Some people's friends number in the high hundred. I've received invitations to be "friends" with people who have over a thousand friends listed. (I've declined).

Kim Ayres said...

Archie - :)

Jupiter's Girl - absolutely, yes it is my current Facebook profile pic. Irresistable eh?

Dr Maroon - she clearly likes a guy with his own teeth, Doc.

Arlene - ah, but it's the type of friends she's accumlating that worried me. Especially as she clearly placed me in the same category as them...

Carole said...

Eustacia Bancroft--Did you make that name up to protect the guilty?.

No one in the world has that name.

And if there is, she won the spelling bee all through grade school.

Kim Ayres said...

Carole - I couldn't possibly have made up a name like that - which is why I was inspired to write about it. It just wouldn't have worked if it had been Jane Smith :)

Meg said...

With a profile pic like that who could resist stalking you? I don't know which was better - the point or the gleaming teeth. Hilarious. Er, I mean, studly.

Kim Ayres said...

Thank you Meg :)

Fortunately I didn't use this face early on in my relationship with Maggie, otherwise we might never have lasted...

Ron Tipton said...

Yep! That's the same scam I'm getting too Kim. The babes that are requesting my "friendship" obviously figured out I'm a grizzled old loser. What they don't know (the stupid sluts) is that I prefer bearded middle aged men who drive pickup trucks and wear baseball caps. So they can pack their enhanced boobs away and go and look for another old fart.

Kim Ayres said...

Just make sure you don't accept any friend requests from bearded middle aged men then - it could be a scam.

Hang on a sec, I know someone who fits that description...