Premise for a new Channel 4 TV series - The Pillow Inspectors*
Each week a stern, firm-but-fair, schoolmarm-ish, middle-aged female osteopath and microzoologist visits normal, everyday people who suffer from sleep problems.
The victims/suffers will have their pillows examined, which will be found to be unsuitable in aiding a decent night’s sleep. These pillows will be stained, squashed, the wrong thickness, too many, too few, made of the wrong material and have a large percentage of their volume comprising of dust mites and other unsavoury creatures, which will be blown up to horrific proportions by the microscope-come-pillowcam designed especially for the series.
The voice-over will be snooty, gossipy and condescending.
In the first half of the programme, the victims/suffers will be made to feel useless, inferior, unclean and a blemish on human society. Those with children and/or partners will be labelled as unfit parents and wives (with the exception of the obligatory stay-at-home-husband and at least one gay couple each series).
During the second part of the programme they will be scanned by a state of the art 3D imaging machine and, using computer software designed by the slumber industry, will have pillows designed that precisely fit their body, head and neck shapes while being composed of dust mite resistant, hypoallergenic material created by NASA.
Along with a lecture about how often to change their pillowcases, the appropriate ambient temperature of the room and general hygienic behaviour, the lives of the victims/suffers will be transformed before the final credits. They will be excitedly talking of restful sleeps, more energy throughout the day, potential promotions at work and a huge improvement in their sex lives.
The stern, firm-but-fair, schoolmarm-ish, middle-aged female osteopath and microzoologist who was initially so harsh, can now be seen as a warm and friendly saviour who had only been dishing out tough love in order to help the unfortunate souls.
Coming up after the break, Celebrity Deity Swap will be seeing how Mrs Yahweh and Mrs Lucifer coped when they exchanged realms for a month. (Cut to scene showing Mrs Yahweh standing in Hell looking around despairingly as she says, "You mean to say there’s no toilet paper to be found anywhere?")
*copyright Kim Ayres 2008 - if anyone would like to buy this idea from me to turn into a TV programme, write me a cheque for a 5 figure number (pounds sterling, not including pence) and it's yours.