The blog of photographer and musician, Kim Ayres

Santa Released

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For millions of children worldwide, Christmas might not turn out to be the biggest disappointment of the year after all.

It has been revealed that despite the fervent denials from Washington, Santa Claus was in fact detained by US authorities just before heading into Canada on the final leg of his global journey, during the early hours of 25th December 2006.

A resident of the North Pole, which is not a US owned territory, Mr Claus failed to secure the appropriate entrance visa in advance and so entered America illegally when distributing presents.

Because of the goodwill nature of his deliveries, supported by children’s charities around the world, most countries have turned something of a blind eye to the annual illegal border crossings, especially as he rarely stays more than 20 minutes.

Nevertheless, since 9/11, American hostility towards those not born and raised on US soil has grown to what some are calling “overly paranoid” proportions and, as such, the self-styled Father Christmas had come to be seen as a major threat to national security in certain quarters.

When it was discovered that Canada was the final stop on Santa’s return journey to the North Pole, and that only Canadian children had woken up on Christmas morning last year to find their stockings still empty, it was the Government of Canada who initially came under fire from suspicious citizens. However a report leaked on to the Internet from a disgruntled NORAD (the North American Aerospace Defense Command) employee, revealed clear evidence Santa’s disappearance had in fact happened below the 49th Parallel.

For over ten months the US Administration continued to deny all knowledge until secret video footage smuggled out of Guantanamo Bay revealed a drawn and haggard looking man with a long white beard, who had obviously lost a lot of weight.

We might never know the extent to which he was interrogated, or whether the techniques used on him count as torture under the Geneva convention, however, a relieved, if somewhat thinner, Santa has now been returned to the cooler climes of the frozen North.

What brought about his release remains as much a mystery as his ability to eat half a billion mince pies in a single night, but rumours have recently started to circulate that Dick Cheney is a major shareholder in one of Mr Claus’ subsidiary businesses, which plummeted on the New York Stock Exchange shortly after Santa’s disappearance.

But while some have welcomed the newer, svelte looking Santa, citing that the jolly fat man image was an inappropriate role model in this day and age of rising obesity, let us at least hope, for the sake of all our children, that Santa obtains the appropriate paperwork in future.
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24 comments

Fat Lazy Guy said...

Haha, wow. Absolutely brilliant. :D Sounds very plausible.

Tom P. said...

That was good enough to link to!!! :D

Archie said...

Waterboarding Santa - what has this country come to?
Or is it snowboarding?

Brave Astronaut said...

Oh that kind of idea. Very funny. I have a magnet on my fridge that shows my president at the funeral of John Paul II and there is a balloon over his head that reads "What Happened to Santa?"

I guess now we now . . .

Sini said...

:) :) :)

Kim Ayres said...

FLG - thank you :)

Tom P - I'm honoured

Archie - maybe they forced him to eat venison...

Brave Astronaut - haha - I like it

Sini - :) :) :)

PI said...

A skinny Santa is NOT what I want for Christmas. And why are Americans beastly to Canadians? Or am I wrang?

Kate said...

Santa has business interests? I've gone right off him now, I thought he did it all out of the goodness of his heart. Makes you wonder about the reindeer and the elves though - does he pay them double time on Christmas Eve?!

Caro said...

I wonder does he have to decant all liquids into 100ml bottles and carry them in re-sealable see-through plastic bags? Nobody is above the law, you know...

Kim Ayres said...

Pat - when I was in Canada, I noticed they often referred to Amercia as "the evil empire to the south"

Kate - in order to run his organisation he has to be a multi-billionaire. So either he's Bruce Wayne, or he exploits elves in 3rd world countries...

Caro - he probably had his nail scissors confiscated too.

Archivalist said...

Mr. Ayres, these men from the government would like to speak with you. Just step this way...

Jeff said...

Lol...now that was pretty good writing. Thank goodness the Bush/Cheney era will be ending soon.

Now with all that said my friend there use to be an Army that wore Red Coats that did a bit of their own havoc causing around the world.

Thankfully Santa is free and hopefully can get us all to beleive once more.

Peace

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Snarf, Kim. But Santa'll get off Scot free. You see they never ever check his bell Class A Christmas cheer he keeps in there. No rubbish.

Kim Ayres said...

Archivalist - is that the Scottish Step Dance?

Jeff - would that be the Butlins RedCoats?

Sam - never underestimate what a man can hide in his beard either...

Mary Witzl said...

I liked the half a billion mince pies in a single night, though I hate to think of what happened to his blood sugar after that.

Americans aren't really cruel to Canadians; they just largely ignore them, much the way a vastly older and more successful sibling might disregard a younger one. And most Canadians don't really hate Americans, they just despise us in a somewhat reflexive way.

Carole said...

I for one am glad Santa was released. It would make a very dull Christmas without him. And just so you know, when he does come to America we fix no mince pies for him. He gets cookies and milk (no doubt a conspiracy by dairy farmers). I suspect he saves some milk to wash down the mince pies. EEWW!

Jeff said...

Kim

Dang it you always catch my smart comments....how in the world did you catch me on this one.....

Peace Dude

Kim Ayres said...

Mary - I tend to feel the relationship between Canadians and Americans is quite similar to that between the Scots and the English. Those to the South of the border tend to think of those to the North as part of the same country with just a few quaint quirks. While those to the North feel fiercely independent and despise being patronised in such a way.

Individually the southerner is OK, it's just the government and policies that really stink.

Carole - milk doesn't cut it in Scotland. Single Malt Whiskey for Santa, or you might just find your stocking full of reindeer poo...

Jeff - lucky guess - in the UK, the Butlins Redcoats are far better known than the old British army uniforms

A Paperback Writer said...

Oh bravo!
And I agree with Mary about Americans and Canadians. We Americans are really the show-off sibling who demands all the attention and leaves the other sibling resentful and gritting his/her teeth at us while we obliviously go on our way.
It's not so much that we ignore Canadians, we just tend to forget Canadians are there because they're not as glamorous as the UK or as troublesome as the Middle East. There are no vast numbers of Canadians moving into the US, so no average citizen gets into pick up trucks to patrol the US/Canadian border or claims that "those &*^% Canadians are takin' all our jobs." There are no racially-biased anti-Canadian jokes circulating commonly in the US. It's just that the last big splash of pop culture from Canada for most Americans was Bob and Doug MacKensie in the 80s.
I personally think much of western Canada is beautiful. The Lake Louise area is some of the most incredible country I've seen anywhere in the northern hemisphere. And Victoria, BC is charming....
Sorry about the rant, here.

Kim Ayres said...

Rant away - I love long comments - it's like receiving a blog post just for me :)

Tom said...

In related news, PETA has announced plans on protesting the exploitation of the Easter bunny.

Very witty... :)

Kim Ayres said...

Tom - I understand the tooth fairy is currently being sued by Colgate over copyright or something

MaLady said...

Colgate suing the toothfairy totally explains why she's been late/absent in making the appropriate trade at my house lately.

I didn't start the toothfairy gig in their minds and I don't particularly like it...I was hoping they'd just forget but last week I was confronted: "Mom, are you the toothfairy, tell me the truth!" and today I had to pay up. They're collecting money for a trip they want but I can't afford, so it makes complete sense to go collect from Mom...they are adorable, though, running around with flashlights keeping the lights off everywhere, trying to keep their clothes clean so they won't need to be changed and washed frequently and telling me to go with the cheap recipes. Gotta love 'em. My family 1100 miles away ought to be feeling especially honored.

This post was particularly enjoyable. Thanks.

Ma Lady

Kim Ayres said...

Ma Lady - I was going to pop over and comment on your site, but it says "profile not available". If you stop by again, do leave an address :)

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