The blog of photographer and musician, Kim Ayres

Wasted Effort...?

Some of my regular readers will know that over the past 21 months, Maggie and I have made major changes to our eating habits resulting in a fair amount of weight loss (my own journey can be traced from August last year on my other blog, Losing a Hundredweight).

It has not always been easy and at times it has had me crawling up the walls in frustration through to being curled up in a ball, whimpering from withdrawal symptoms. Sometimes the pounds have fallen away, sometimes they have been more or less static for months and sometimes that have begun to find their way back again.

At times the cravings have had me seriously considering chewing my own arm off.

The result of all this is that between us we have lost 191lbs (or 13stone 9lbs in old money), so far.

But it seems that all this sacrifice, all this time, effort and energy was a complete waste of time. Technology has come up with an infinitely easier solution than finding the willpower and motivation to overcome the cravings for chocolate, crisps and deep-fried pizza.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the new range of Hewlett Packard cameras with the Slimming Feature (do check out the demo). Never worry about whether you should have that extra doughnut again.
To use the slimming feature, first take a photo. Then, while in playback mode, use the arrows to select an image and press OK.

Highlight the Design Gallery menu tab using the arrows.

Use arrows to highlight Apply Artistic Effects and press OK. Then highlight Slimming and press OK.

Adjust the slimming level using the arrows. Then press OK, and you're finished.

I feel as stupid as Frodo Baggins must have when he was rescued from the side of Mount Doom by the Giant Eagles and realised that if they could have flown in to pick him up, then surely they could have flown him there in the first place and saved a great deal of time, effort and thousands of lives (not to mention one of his fingers), if only he'd thought of it earlier.

19 comments

Anonymous said...

Hey, if it can thin down parts of your body it can surely beef up parts and make you a god among the mere average:) Just another deception device.

You’re doing it the right way, and healthier because of it.

Dr Joseph McCrumble said...

Sounds like something out of Snow White...

'Camera, Camera, in my hand, who's the thinnest in the land?'

Avoid! Remeber swhat happened to the original perpetrator of such vanity!

Dr Maroon said...

"I feel as stupid as Frodo Baggins must have when he was rescued from the side of Mount Doom by the Giant Eagles and realised that if they could have flown in to pick him up, then surely they could have flown him there in the first place and saved a great deal of time, effort and thousands of lives (not to mention one of his fingers), if only he'd thought of it earlier."

And ME now. You've totally ruined it.

Kim Ayres said...

Bstrong - my Sudoku solving powers already make me a god among the mere average...

Dr McCrumble - I'll watch out for any old crones calling at the door with an apple on offer - thanks for the tip.

Dr Maroon - it was all royalist proganda anyway, with people born to be king and destined to rule over us - everyone knowing their place etc. Not a book to be read in a republic.

Stella said...

Oh I SO need one of those cameras!!!! Ok ok I need to lose weight but in the meantime........

quinn said...

I think I prefer reality...I am still in my 14's since the lose that ass challenge I am proud to say.

Kieran said...

Clambering up mountains is good exercise for a hobbit. Helps shed the pounds. Sauron was a republican.

Kim Ayres said...

Stella - Put it at the top of your Xmas list - I'm sure it'll be cheaper than a conservatory built to house the gym

Quinn - clearly a Calvanistic work ethic in your background somewhere...

Kieran - You can't go clambering mountains until you've had 2nd breakfast, that's for sure.

Kate said...

I have a similar plugin for my graphics package, haven't used it though. I do like to play with the one that does the reverse and makes people and objects fatter. (I was once told it is used extensively in pics on rude websites. Can't imagine what they wish to expand LOL) Howver, I use it to make supermodels five times their usual size (I also draw spots on them sometimes) Petty? Moi?

Kim Ayres said...

I wonder if they've created a plug-in that allows you to automatically draw glasses and a moustache on people?

Anonymous said...

What a great idea. Now, all we need is a camera with a Fitness button. And a Drunk button. And a Just Laid button.

All human life inside a tiny technological wonder. Isn't it marvellous what they can do these days?

OddMix said...

Nah, they had to get rid of the Nazgul first.

Foot Eater said...

I didn't hear that about The Lord Of The Rings. La la la, I'm not listening.

Andraste said...

A slimming camera? I thought that had been around for a while and that Paula Abdul has been using one for years.

Ta dum dummmmmmm.....

Kim Ayres said...

Bock - would you really want to have a Just Laid button on the camera so that you look like you've done the act, but without having to?

Oddmix - yeah, but Gandalf could sort them out.

Foot Eater - it's harder to type with both fingers in your ears

Andraste - it looks like Tom Cruise might have ben using it for years - here's a pic of when he was caught unprepared

Anonymous said...

"I wonder if they've created a plug-in that allows you to automatically draw glasses and a moustache on people?"

You can do that with the brushes. Not so long back I found a photo of George Bush and gave him a Hitler style moustache and hair-do. The resemblance was uncanny.

ps: Actually, you have inspired me, I may write a tutorial: How to add glasses and moustaches using your graphics package.

Kim Ayres said...

havingalook - welcome to my ramblings!you don't appear to have much on your blog - let me know if you add anything

Kate said...

"havingalook - welcome to my ramblings!you don't appear to have much on your blog - let me know if you add anything"

I have lots on my blog and you have seen much of it - itisi! I accidently signed in using the blogger beta account I set up to test it out before writing a review. It's a naff name, but all the other review type id's had gone.

Kim Ayres said...

And just how was I supposed to know it was you? Mmmm?

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