The blog of photographer and musician, Kim Ayres

Things I cannot write about

There are times when I struggle to think of anything to write on this blog. At other times I’m full of wee stories or thoughts I want to put up, but don't have the time.

But there are times when I really want to write about something but cannot because this blog is not anonymous. I want to write about it to get it off my chest; I want to write about it because it explores the human psyche and emotional impact on my life; I want to write about it because I think it would make damn good reading; and I want to write about it because I would really value the input and perspective from many of my regular commenters who I have come to respect over the months.

However, if I were to write about these topics then it would be a violation of trust and privacy of some of those closest to me.

At the moment there are at least three major areas in my life that fit into this category.

Firstly there is *****. Her ******* is back in her **** and treating her like **** again. Quite apart from the all the frustration I feel at the fact that *** **** *** bastard **** into her ****, it has turned out that *** *** promises to be a ******* *** was a bunch of lies. ** ** *** manipulating *** and destroying *** ****-**********. Quite frankly the bastard should be hung from the nearest tree by the ***** and ****** to within an inch of his life.

Then there is the whole thing about ** **-****. It’s difficult enough trying to deal with the fact that ** ******-**-*** is ********* from ********, but ** ******-**-*** is having ******** where he doesn’t ********* *** *** is. And the stupid ****** doctor who did a test ** ***, asking *** questions like “**** *** is it?” and “Who is the ***** *******?” She was ***** that **** ** scored 30/30 that there was nothing wrong **** ***. Unfortunately she didn’t ask, “Where ** **** ****?” or “*** ** **** ***** ******* ** the chair behind you?”

Thirdly… well, I’m not even going to blank out the words on this one because it is far too personal.

Mind you, I also missed out all the stuff about **** ***** and his *********, ******, which ******** **** ***, and the **** I’m going to **** ****** in when I have to **** *** that *** ** a crisis of conscience * *** ** ****** help *** ***** his *******.

Oh yeah, and then there’s all the **** to do with ** ******, not to mention ** ******, and of course the frustration, anger and angst surrounding ** ****** and *****

Maybe one day I’ll write it all down in my memoirs to be published after I die.


34quinn said...

you know much as we have to "read between the lines" on this post.
The main thing I believe is that even with the "bleeps" to protect the privacy etc. you most likely feel a bit better for having let out some of your feelings.

And in the end, isn't that really what counts. How you feel after you write. Regardless of anyone else.

It is also clear that your aggitation comes from the deep feelings of caring for these people and you really just want what is best for them.

Sometimes we can just be there for them when they are ready to need us.
Best of luck to you.

Chris Black said...

This off topic Kim, but I haven't looked here for a bit , and I do like the new profile photo.

Do you have a voice like Brian Blessed as well?

Chris Black said...

Having now made a jovial remark, I should say that I do sympathise with your problem(s).

Don't know what to suggest, except that maybe if you just write down you feel , without letting anybody else see it ,it may help.

Nikki said...

Kim, I have to give you credit for putting the stars in there.

I would not have.

Kim Ayres said...

Quinn - unfortunately, the amount of relief I felt by writing it out was offset by going back through and putting all those stars in.

Chris - welcome back. It's been a while. I see you've updated your photo too. Have you lost weight?

I'm not sure whether writing stuff that I know won't be read actually lets off that much steam. As I writer, my ego demands that someone else sees it.

However, sometimes when I need to explore an idea and don't have anyone to chat to and bounce off, I will write as though I'm having a conversation and it's quite amazing what will come out.

Nikki - Do you mean you would have been completely up front, or that you wouldn't have written anything?

Chris Black said...

Kim , Bless you.actually I'm putting on weight...

Gyrobo said...

I especially like the part about *******, because ******* ****** **** ******. Why, I can even remember ******* when *** ******* ******* ***. That was the best summer ever!

Also, it reminded me of this thing I saw on T.V. where they use a bleeping sound to censor things that don't need to be censored, giving the illusion that censorship was needed in the first place.

Rhonda said...

I've run into the same frustration, Kim - and wish I had a solution better than stars, too.

El-Branden Brazil said...

And not a mention of cross-********!

Hope you are well now!

Nikki said...


I have a quick temper and a quick tongue and have been known to say things I shouldn't. I give you credit for censoring yourself, where I would not have been able to.

My mother (in my opinion, the smartest woman on earth) told me a while back "Nikki, it is time to take control of your temper. Don't let it control you."

I'm still working on it.

Dr Maroon said...

The first circumstance can have only one outcome. It will be impossible to communicate that fact to those concerned. You must act as your instinct tells you. (I put ‘heart’ but changed it)

There is usually a tragi-comic element to the second circumstance you describe. The more close you are, the greater the intensity of the tragedy and the comedy.
D-Day and Winston Churchill?

Kim Ayres said...

Gyrobo - well that reminds me ** *** time *** vicar's ***** **** ** tea. *** ******* trousers ******* ** ******* * **** round *** ********** * **** his ****** **** ****** ankles ***** ** *** ***** ** **** yelling "blasphemer!"

Rhonda - if you come up with any ideas, do let me know.

Branden - thanks

Nikki - Smart mother, but much easier said than done.

Dr Maroon - you are, of course, absolutely right, and I commend you for your insights

Attila The Mom said...

Kim, I am right there with you!

There is so much I'd like to write about but can't for the same reasons you mentioned.

Although there's only about 5 people who know us in real life who read my blog, I do struggle to walk a fine line.

My husband wanted to give his family my blog address when he was on his trip recently. I was appalled.

He loves it, and wanted to share it, but the thought of my in-laws reading it (and no, I've never trashed them) would probably shut me down creatively.

I like the anonyminity. But even with it, there are just some things you can't write about.

Kim Ayres said...

Atilla - this is one of the problems with writing the kind of blog that is all about life. The things that affect you the most tend to be to do with those you are closest to.

This means that the more anonymous you are, the freer you are to discuss your frustrations.

I did toy with the idea of doing an anonymous blog, but decided against. I wrote more about that in my entry "The Anonymous Blog"

Foot Eater said...

Kim, I know exactly what you're talking about with the second thing. You're right, the **** isn't the most useful screening ****, and any ****** worth his or her **** should know that a ***** of 30/30 doesn't mean the person hasn't got ******** with her ******. I know this because I'm a ************ myself. My sympathies.

Kim Ayres said...

Thanks Foot Eater

Seoras said...

Hi Kim, It's been a while since I last looked in on you. I sympathise with your frustration, but the trust of those close to us is very important, however frustrating it may be at times for us to maintain it. I know it's sometimes much harder to keep schtum when all you really want to do is tell it like it is.
Keep up the writing mate.

happykat said...

Kim, Kim, Kim........I sympathize and empathize all in one swallow.

I wrote a nice piece wherein I reflect on my childhood. Can't post it b/c my ma would read it and wouldn't take it well.
Curse this conscience!! *shakes fist*

happykat said...

btw, I see I'm not the only one who thinks you look like the king on The Black Adder!!!

fatmammycat said...

I don't suppose giving bleep a good kicking would help much anyway, cowards never learn really, they just find more inventive ways to be cowardly.
Anyway, in as much as I can say, I offer my support and an unbending listening sound board should you need it.

Kim Ayres said...

Seoras - thanks - hope things are well with you and the family. Is your mobile still the same number? I'm up in the area every now and then and it would be good to catch up.

HappyKat - well if you go to the end of this entry you'll see that with my last photo I was compared to Ricky Gervais

Fatmammycat - ultimately it has to come from ***** anyway. Sometimes you can't help people until they are prepared to accept help

SafeTinspector said...

Kim, I can't understand you when you talk like that.
I mean, can you GET any more obscure? How are we supposed to know what ***** means, let alone **** or *********?

Next time, you need to provide a legend.

Kim Ayres said...

SafeTinspector - I think you'll find that was the whole point...

Dr Joseph McCrumble said...

What the *****?

(This comment was brought to you by McCrumble Lite - the bloggers friend)

SafeTinspector said...

I still don't get it.

-dense in Detroit

Kim Ayres said...

SafeTinspector - the title of this piece is "Things I cannot write about" The whole thing is about things I would really like to write about, but to do so would be a violation of trust and privacy of those closest to me.

Rather like images being pixilated so that you cannot identify paricular individuals, or names and words that could be used to identify people being blacked out in a report, I have used the stars to create the same idea.

It's an illustration of the fact that if I went so far as to write about these things, if I blanked out all the key information then it becomes more or less unintelligable.

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