Saturday, March 18, 2006

The Perfect Diet

I have finally conceived of the perfect diet. It's simple, it's easy to remember, it requires no charts, calculations or complex points systems.

It’s the Eat As Much As You Like So Long As You Don’t Like What You’re Eating Diet.

Because you can eat as much as you like, you’ll never need to go hungry; but because you’re not allowed to eat anything you like the taste of, you’ll have to avoid all the chocolate, crisps, sweets and home baking products that pile on the pounds. You’ll steer clear of large portions and you’ll never be tempted to have second helpings.

But what if you find that you start enjoying the delights of hitherto unpalatable foods? Simple – eliminate them from your diet.

It can’t fail. You will lose weight and never be troubled with comfort-eating again!

Anyone want to offer me a book deal?

I could start a Channel 4 TV series with this one. Oh yes. Gillian McKeith watch out – there’s a new food guru in town…

24 comments:

Attila The Mom said...

Yikes. All that leaves me is Rocky Mountain Oysters and Cardboard.

Can I put ketchup on the cardboard?

Rhonda said...

Yum. All-you-can-eat lima beans, brussel sprouts and cow for me.

Shudder.

RNP said...

This sounds like a wonderful plan-but where do you find a house that only has good foods with bad flavors at? Sounds like it would be impossible for you with the way you say Maggie likes to bake.

Welll, unless you commit to avoiding her lovely treats-yeah like that will happen :)

Sven said...

I think you're on to something.

Dr Maroon said...

"Anyone want to offer me a book deal?"

You'd only eat it.

That Gillian McKeith has an unhealthy interest in her subjects' stools. I do hear tell also that she gave herself the "Doctor" title. People who do that are sick.

Kim Ayres said...

My own Room 101 of unpalateable food would leave me forced to survive on cabbage and rocket salads with blue chesse and broccoli. However, if the house was packed out with these items, my wife would be in heaven as she loves all these foodstuffs.

*shudder*

Kim Ayres said...

Just missed you in the ether again Dr Maroon.

Actually, Dr McKeith does have a phd, it just happens to be in Language and Linguistics or something, and not nutrition

Meg said...

Splendid idea. I think you could possibly be the next Dr. Atkins.

Monstee said...

The last diet me come up with was also an all you can eat diet, but it allowed NO food restrictions. It just was that you had to do all you eating nude in front of a big mirror. It sound like a joke but me and me ex lost tons of weight with this in just a few months. Problem am, now there am NO McDonalds that will let us in the door.

SheBah said...

I prefer the "one bite" diet - just one bite of all your favourite fattening things - who said deprivation is good for the soul?

Foot Eater said...

I'm following a new drinking diet which allows you only one drink a night. This evening it's Scotch.

Kim Ayres said...

Meg - great name by the way: my daughter's called Meg. And welcome to my ramblings.

Monstee - does being nude make much difference when you're covered from head to foot in blue fur?

Sexybeauty - Ah, but one bite will not stop at one bite. for me there are such things as "trigger foods". One bite and I will go into a feeding frenzy. I will not be able to stop until I am bloated and feeling sick. It is only in the last year or so that I have finally found ways to deal with this. The main way being do not eat any of the trigger foods.

Foot Eater - is that one-cal, diet Scotch?

Charlie said...

Anything minty so mint aeros, mint icecream, after eights for me. Of course i do tend to throw up after eating these so i would be technically bulemic.

Binty McShae said...

Your title's anagram for today is...

Arse fed me on a thong dribble

Kim Ayres said...

Charlie - every time I look in the mirror I see a fat man staring back at me. Does that make me anorexic?

Binty - very creative

The Taker of Gist said...

Followed to its logical conclusion, your diet plan would cause starvation.

At least, that's the Gist of it.

Kim Ayres said...

Once again you seem to be the mistaker of the gist

SafeTinspector said...

MORE ANAGRAMS! ....and Western Union said they'd not send any more on account of the internet.

Kim, the diet sounds great, but I don't think there's enough bleach in house to make it worthwhile.
What it comes down to is that if it is edible and not spoiled, I'd love to have some more, thank you.

SafeTinspector said...

Oh...I finally linked you.
I actually thought I had, but I was pruning my link list and noticed your absence. Sorry about that!

Charlie said...

We look into mirrors but we only see the effects of our times on us -- not our effects on others.

RNP said...

I have noticed a bit less blogging here lately-we all miss your frequent posts :)

Kim Ayres said...

SafeTinspector - a similar omission on my part. You are now linked.

Charlie - you just need a bigger mirror

RNP - Yeah, I know I'm a bit behind, but life, and for that matter my other blogs, have been getting in the way. I intend to write something more soon. Anything you'd especially like to hear my view on?

RNP said...

Nothing specific, just one of your typical posts will do...

emma said...

Brilliant. Call it the Liver and Lard Diet and see the pounds roll off and the pounds roll in, ha ha. Seriously, pitch it to an agent, this idea is gold.