The blog of photographer and musician, Kim Ayres

Bleargh!

I’m feeling low and flat and weary and grumpy and I’m having trouble shaking it off.

It’s February. The weather’s miserable. There are yucky anniversaries of things. Spring is months away. There’s a lot of crap been going on surrounding Maggie’s parents. There’s more crap been going on with my stepdaughter. These are things I can’t write about in a public place.

It all seems a far cry from this entry: Life is Good

I’ve been spending far too much time blogging without even writing on my own blog. I’ve spent countless hours reading other blogs, leaving comments, going back to see if my comments have been commented on. Procrastinating, in other words.

What have I achieved? Bugger all. I’m even struggling to keep up the enthusiasm for the game over at the Fishwhacker Swindle where I’m being put on trial, accused of being another blogger. Just find me guilty then I don’t have to play anymore. That really isn’t fair, because Foot Eater has clearly put a lot of time and thought into it and I’m just being an ungrateful swine.

It’s been nearly 2 weeks since I actually wrote anything outwith the blog. Hah! Some bloody writer I’m turning out to be.

And the really annoying thing is that I could suddenly just snap out of it. The right thing said, seen or done and the mood could lift, just like that. But what is the right thing to be said, seen or done?

There are 2 fears related to this mood of indulgent self-pity. One is that my mood won’t lift and I’ll be stuck feeling like this forever; the other is that even if it does lift, who am I trying to kid that I could write anything anyone would want to read anyway.

The longer this goes on, the harder it is to try and dismiss either of these fears.

Intellectually I know that moods don’t last forever, that they do change. And my head can tell me that I have a modicum of talent, which could develop if I keep at the writing. But the problem is I don’t feel it at the moment.

Bleargh

20 comments

Dr Maroon said...

I have a theory about this. You’re right to point to the low light levels, but it goes further than that. Ever since the Weekend 10-13th Feb, I have noticed that a lot round here have complained of the same feelings. I put it down to MY overindulgence and that in my classical solipsist way, I was transferring my own malaise to others, but this is patently not the case.
I don’t know the cause, and its widespread manifestation is no comfort when one considers one’s own difficulties but it’s just as likely to lift anytime now I hope. The solution I’m told, is to grind on, no matter how crap or unsatisfactory you believe the results are, or will be.
So I’m told, I’m too fed up to try it.
Inertia.
I believe what happens is that a momentum gathers and things take on a something of their own.
Momentum.
You could always start with any old shite sentence in a voice you can mimic, it gets you going, then rub out later.

If I'm talking out my arse about something i know nothing about just scrub this.

Kim Ayres said...

Then again, maybe all we need is the next installment of "Gothic" ;)

Rob Hutten said...

Hey Kim - must be something in the air world-wide today, 'cause I'm in a similar cranky funk today. Here's hoping we both snap out of it.

Maybe a little Sister Rosetta will help.

All the best, my friend.

Binty McShae said...

chin up kim! you've got a lot of respect from everyone around the ether, and thats got to count for something! its not even cold here and i'm grumpy too! and i'm not being even remotely creative outside of our circles... it goes in fits and starts! our little gang seems slack as a whole at the mo, but we'll get it back! fuck, i can't even be arsed with capital letters! (my left hand is currently busy holding a pint!)

SheBah said...

Kim - it's all to do with hibernation - with the lack of sunlight and miserable weather we are meant to burrow down like hedgehogs and not emerge till the first daffodil. You wake up one morning, there's the odd snowdrop and a shaft of sunlight and hey, the heart lifts and life looks rosy again. The one surefire way to avoid the Winter blues is to take a holiday in the sun (or Paris/Rome for a weekend!) but if the budget doesn't stretch that far, my favourite mood lifter is to have an occasional luxury treat - spend a bit of cash on M & S luxury food - buy their lobster and pepper steak and indulge yourself with a decent claret - and offer your kids their dream meal at the same time - just to celebrate being alive and well - works, honest!

the anti-barney said...

Do you mean its not supposed to be like that?
Do you all have good days as well?

Foot Eater said...

Never mind, Kim, if the verdict goes against you you'll soon have bigger things to worry about than a temporary slump in motivation.

Seriously, though, I know how you feel. I have spells of blearghitude myself, and often. You know, as we do, that you'll get past it. Hang in there.

RNP said...

I too have spent way to much time in the blogosphere lately. Although, my posts just seem to be growing in length, as I contemplate who I am, what I am about, and what is really going on in my life. Maybe there is a bit of correlation of my mood with my upcoming birthday-yes another year passes me by.

Weather, of course this is a huge factor for most people. Having less time outdoors and less sunlight make for a rather crabby person at times. I long for a day when I can open up the windows and enjoy the fresh breeze of spring air.

My oldest daughter looked at me yesterday and said "Mom, when life gives you lemons, make beef stew". I have no idea where she came up with this one, but it certainly had me thinking.

swiss rebecca said...

Hang in there a little bit longer, Kim. The days are getting longer. Really, they are... if I leave work just a little early now I can be outdoors when it is actually still light!

And you are a talented writer.... I know it doesn't help very long for someone to say that to you when you feel like this, but just to let you know anyway.

Kim Ayres said...

Many thanks for all the warm comments, folks. It is appreciated, it really is.

Rob - I must admit I was quite taken with the intro to Take Me In Your Lifeboat

Binty - When the capital letters start slipping Binty, it's a sure sign that your on a downhill slide. Be careful there.

Sexy Beauty - In theory... however, if you've seen my other blog - Losing a Hundredweight - you'll know that I could really do with finding an alternative to food as a source of comfort, but I appreciate the sentiment :)

Anti-Barney - spoken like someone who really knows! The problem is that your mind fools you into forgetting that there are any other kinds of days.

Foot Eater - Well I guess if my head's cut off then depression permanently becomes a thing of the past, but it might not do my kids much good...

RNP - Birthdays don't tend to worry me so much. I've always been of the opinion that you get to celebrate the fact that you've survived another year despiute what the gods have thrown at you. having said that, I hit the big 4-0 in October, so I might change my tune as it begins to loom.

I've never tried making beef stew with lemons, but wil suggest it to the wife this weekend ;)

Swiss Rebecca - compliments are always gratefully received. Flattery will get you everywhere. Thank you.

SheBah said...

Sorry Kim, wasn't thinking! I should have said something that is a treat to you - (My luxuries tend to be foodstuffs, shoes,cosmetics and designer items - shallow!). So you are a Libra, like me - the scales, permanently unbalanced! And the big 4-0 looming - you'll be like Miss Jean Brodie "in your prime"!

Kim Ayres said...

Not libra, SB, I'm a scorpio, whether or not that means anything.

Andraste said...

YIKES!!!

Sounds like a dose of seasonal affective disorder with a family crisis chaser! Sorry to hear about all this, Kim.

It may be some small consolation that spring is, indeed, on its way, and these 'bleagh' times DO Pass. Maybe that's belittling what you're going through but...take heart!

I was feeling that way a few weeks ago, and that's pretty much when I gave myself a blog break. Didn't stop writing my own stuff, but definitely spent less time on other blogs and commenting. (see? I haven't even been here in days!) I think it did me a world of good. Maybe a little break is what you need.

Step away from the computer, spend some time doing what you can with and for your family, have a few pints (if you drink, I don't know) and come at it fresh when you're up to it.

Binty McShae said...

tHANKS fOR tHE aDVICE kIM. wOULDN'T wANT tO sTART On tHAT dOWNHILL sLIDE....

El-Branden Brazil said...

Without a little suffering, how would we ever be able to appreciate the good?

Ride the storm and know that the high times will once again return.

St Jude said...

If you want to write well, you need time to think. That's all you are doing now. Writing will happen in it's own time. Trust me. I've been there many times.

RNP said...

My Kim, I am impressed with the shear volume of comments you are getting lately-you are certainly a rather popular guy aren't you?

Gyrobo said...

Commenting on a bunch of blogs always draws in new viewers. I try to go to a bunch of random blogs ever once in a while and find some new bodies.

But if you do that too much, you get overwhelmed with visiting dozens of blogs each day.

Dr Maroon said...

Have you written anything yet? I have, it's tosh, and I mean even more tosh than usual. A sudden upswing in one's social life plays havok don't you know.
I think you should forward what you've got to me and I'll look at it with a jaundiced eye, edit it and send it back. All the best writers have editors.

I had an idea about putting everyone on an eighteenth century man-o-war, a la Hornblower and that other one. The scope is fantastic. Cabin boys, women dressed as men, floggings, broadsides, storms, pirates, up the rigging... whatdja think?

Kim Ayres said...

Andraste - Thanks for the thoughts. I might consider the idea of a blog break at some point, but I don't think I'm strong enough at the moment...

Binty - tHAT'S aLL RIGHT tHEN!

Branden - Thanks for dropping by Branden. Are you back in Japan yet? Any news on when you plan on starting up your own blog again? I'm looking forward to it.

St Jude - welcome to my ramblings and thank you for taking the time to comment.

RNP - I have the nicest commenters around, and I think that most people are tuning in for the comments as much as the blog entries.

Gyrobo - It's true, it's true. I hate the idea of limiting the number of blogs I visit, but it can take me over an hour just to quickly read eveyone's new posts. And if I get tempted to comment too...

Dr Maroon - I'll certainly keep the editor thing in mind.

I think the 18th Century story, a la, "Master and Commander" sounds superb, but can you finish Gothic first? I'm dying to know how it's going to resolve.

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